Rampage: Universal Domination
by abstow89
Summary: A fanfic about the Rampage series where the monsters traverse around the universe city by city, destroying everything in their paths.
1. Gray Whale Takedown!

**Rampage: Universal Domination**

**A/N: **A parody of Rampage: Universal Tour and Rampage: Total Destruction. Boris the Rhino and Harley the Warthog traverse around the universe, destroying anything and everything in their way in order to save their fellow monster friends.

**Warning: Rated T for destructive violence…and massive crude humor.**

**Gray Whale Takedown!**

It was a perfect sunny day on the Gray Whale Cove State Beach, located in California. The waves were splashing along the beaches, the air was fresh and clean, and the heat was enough to give people a tan. It was absolutely perfect. A group of people were playing and swimming inside the water, not noticing any of the bubbles that appeared right under them.

"Hey, guys?" asked a pedestrian. "You see all these bubbles in the wa--"

The swimmer was suddenly dragged underwater, disappearing without a trace.

"Hey, Sammy? Where'd you go?" asked another person swimming.

A young female teenager was doing backstrokes when she suddenly slammed into a giant pointed rock…only it wasn't a rock. Behind the rock were a set of white, veiny eyes and a pair of ears…and head. The woman screamed…only to get sucked inside its mouth. The figure began to walk up on the beach and get larger and larger, until the behemoth revealed itself. It was a gigantic mutated rhinoceros, tall with grayish purple skin. A couple seconds later, a giant fat yellow warthog came out of the water, snorting like crazy. The warthog snorted loudly and the rhinoceros roared at the crowd of people on the beaches, causing them to run away.

"Why do people always run away from us?!" asked Boris.

"We're 50 foot tall monster that eat people and destroy things!" said Harley.

"…Oh."

Boris charged right into a medium sized building full of beach party-goers and college students on vacation. The building came down like a ton of bricks--literally--and Boris stood under the wreckage with his mouth open, swallowing all the bodies that fell down it.

Harley was busy kicking and throwing cars at other buildings, like another beach resort hotel.

"HEY! You just wrecked my Ferrari!!" yelled a pedestrian.

Harley simply looked down at the human who resembled a gnat in his eyes, and stomped on him. Harley ignored the pedestrians storming out of a tiny supermarket and simply kicked the building several times until it began to topple to the ground.

Boris was busy kicking fleeing cars and picking them up and throwing them at other buildings, not caring that other people were inside them at all. Boris swapped his giant hand at the ground and grabbed a few people, tossing them into his mouth like popcorn.

"Hey, Boris! I found a tourist trap!" said Harley.

"God, why do people make these things anyway? Just to feed us?"

"…Pretty much, yeah."

Harley punched down at a museum and broke it apart, revealing nearly 20 tourists inside. Boris and Harley started grabbing giant mouthfuls of human flesh, shoving them in their mouths like they were nothing. Now only a couple of buildings were left to demolish before Gray Whale Beach was taken out. Boris grabbed a cop car and threw it at another beach resort, blowing up a good portion of it.

"Hey! Salad!" yelled Boris.

Boris shoved his hand inside the room and ate the salad dish in one gulp. Some other college students fell out of the building to their deaths, while others on lower levels survived the fall.

"…Um…I'm gonna need backup." said the officer who just lost his cop car.

Harley kicked the police officer away into the ocean, making sure he didn't call for backup. He got on top of the beach resort and started jumping on it, crushing every floor. When half the building was demolished, all the support beams snapped and the whole building just fell to the ground, completely turned into rubble.

"Just one more!" said Boris.

A short blue police station was sitting on the beach, with several officers shooting at their hides through the windows, calling for air support.

"Where are those damn helicopters?!!" screamed one officer.

Boris roared so loudly that it created a sonic boom, shattering the officer's teeth and equipment, cracking the building and nearly wrecking it completely. Harley simply walked to it and flicked it with his finger. The police station instantly turned into dust.

"Wow that was fast. Not even three minutes and this city's destroyed." said Harley.

"That's great and all, but you think we should leave before the army gets here? I don't want to start our rampage getting blasted with tank shells and plane missiles."

"Okay, let's go rest in that park a couple miles from here."

Harley and Boris ran away from the beach, their footsteps thundering as they took a step on the ground.

* * *

"Well, that was a good fuel boost!" said Harley.

Boris groaned and held his stomach. "I think I ate too fast man…"

"Aw, don't tell me you gotta use the bathroom again."

Boris groaned again and crouched down. He started grunting hard until a loud steam of flatulence was heard, following by disgusting pooping sounds. Boris was defecating right in the middle of the park.

"You couldn't wait until I got far away before you did that?! And you know we always use the lake as our bathroom! Man, it stinks! How many humans did you eat?"

Boris groaned. "A little too many. But hey, at least I feel completely recharged now!"

Harley turned away, trying not to look or smell Boris pooping on the ground.

"So…what's our next step? Are we gonna get George outta jail first? Icky? Venus? Who?"

"It doesn't matter. We're gonna sniff out the nearest jail and head straight towards it, destroying any city in our path."

"Let's go to San Francisco next. I hear they got this operations building that tracks extraterrestrial stuff, like X-Files or something. The last thing we need is to be locked up by alien hunters."

"I agree. Next stop: San Francisco!"


	2. A Big Blow

**A Big Blow**

Boris and Harley traveled over a mountaintop and over-looked the giant city of San Francisco, gazing at the various amounts of pedestrians driving and walking on the ground.

"Whoa…this looks tough." said Harley.

"Oh, come on Harley! I took down this city in a mere five minutes the last time I was here!"

"…It's amazing how fast they rebuilt it all in the past four years, ain't it?"

"You see that odd looking circular green building over there? That's the 'X-Files' HQ I was talking about earlier."

"You think George is stuck inside?"

"No, it's not big enough to house him, or any of us for that matter. I just want it gone so they can't track our movements."

"Okay, let's move!"

Boris and Harley jumped on a hill and rushed down into the big city, jumping right into one of the main streets and causing a couple of cars to crash. A group of protesters standing in front of the HQ suddenly ran away, scared over Boris and Harley's large sizes.

"That's right, run away!! And don't protest about our lab testing experiments again!" yelled an employee.

Harley grabbed the professor and tossed into his mouth, chewing on his body a couple of times. He punched the building a few times until it suddenly shocked him so hard that his whole body flashed like lightning, as though he were stuck inside some cartoon.

"What! This building's indestructible!!" yelled Harley.

"You'll figure out how to knock it down; I'll focus on the building over here!" said Boris.

Boris grabbed a Metro bus and shook it above his mouth, gulping down all the passengers that fell out the back windows. Boris belched and wiped his mouth, chucking the bus at some building with black tinted windows. He climbed on top of it and started punching down on the roof of the business skyscraper, cracking every single window on the lower levels. Inside, many of the businessmen and women were running down the stairs and getting hit with all forms of debris.

The building began to snap and shake like crazy, ready to topple to the ground. Boris jumped off the top and landed on the ground, creating a big crater that matched his footprints. Then the building quickly dropped to the ground, glass shattering and concrete pieces falling all around Boris's face. The few business people that did make it out were devoured by Boris when he clutched them all in both of his hands and swallowed them whole.

Meanwhile, Harley was having a very tough time trying to destroy the HQ. He even managed to roar at it and create a sonic boom, yet it was still standing! …Although Harley did demolish a small diner and convenient store that rested behind Harley.

"Damnit! Why won't this building fall down?!" he shouted.

Boris got on all fours and charged to this red police HQ, hitting it with his horn and knocking the whole thing to the ground. Boris climbed up a tower that was thousands of feet high, housing a crane right on the top. It was obvious that the tower needed repairing and he was about to wreck it all. Boris whacked the crane and the whole thing fell off the tower to the ground, exploding as it impacted into the ground. Then Boris caught a glimpse of a billboard that could solve Harley's entire problem: A picture of a can of Blast-Off Beans.

Boris smiled and slid down the tower, but not before he punched through every window and broke all the support beams, bringing the tower to the ground. Boris walked over to the building with the billboard on top of it and kicked his foot right inside, spilling beans all over the ground. It was a Blast-Off Beans factory that recently went into production.

Harley sniffed the air a couple times and said, "Is that beans?" and ran over to the spilled beans on the ground. He started to eat all of the beans voraciously, licking them all up with his tongue and shoving them into his mouth with his hands. After eating several gallons worth of beans, Harley's stomach groaned loudly.

Boris laughed and said, "That doesn't sound good."

"Oh…man…you guys are in serious trouble."

He groaned and his stomach growled loudly again. Harley turned around so that his butt faced the entire city…especially the extraterrestrial HQ.

"You humans better run unless you want a taste of Harley's famous Boar Butt Blast!!"

Some of the humans began to run like crazy, fearful of what Harley might do next. Harley groaned loudly again and inhaled sharply. Then he lifted his tail while pointing it at the city and farted violently, spreading his gas all around San Francisco. The whole city was covered in stinky green gas that knocked every human off their feet and destroyed every single building in the area, including the HQ. It was amazing that one of Harley's warthog farts could level an entire city, since it usual could only wreck one building slightly. After Harley was finished, he sighed loudly with relief.

"Ah, there's nothing like smellin' a warthog fart in the morning!" said Harley.

"OH, MAN!! WHEW!!! That sure makes a stink! I wish I found that factory a while ago and we wouldn't have wasted all this time." said Boris.

Boris saw Harley inhaling his own farts, embracing the putrid odor and laughing at how a whole city was destroyed by the sonic boom emitting from the sound of his fart.

"Damn, this is really starting to stink!" said Boris.

"Yeah, it smells great doesn't it?"

"No! It stinks! Can we go find another city to demolish? I'm starting to get light-headed…"

"All right, fine. I suppose we could swing to Los Angeles and look for Icky or Leon."

"Hey, there's another target there we can destroy too!"

"What?"

"The SCUM factory! They got this gigantic factory right in the center of Los Angeles! And if there's anything we should destroy, it's any form of SCUM lab productions."

"All right then! Off to Los Angeles!"


	3. Pit Stop

**Pit Stop**

Boris and Harley were walking down a small desert road in the middle of the night, their stomachs growling loudly at them. They hadn't eaten for almost eight hours and had been walking to Los Angeles without stopping even once.

"I'm starving!" said Boris, his stomach growling.

Harley started sniffing and snorting loudly, getting a whiff of hamburgers and French fries in his nostrils. Harley realized that a Burger Shack restaurant store was nearby, as well as a gas station.

"Hey Boris, how do you feel about filling up on fries and hamburgers?" asked Harley.

"Sure, let's go eat! …Just be careful though; French fries give me gas."

Boris and Harley began to walk down the road, their footsteps thudding on the concrete and shaking some of the parked cars nearby. They crept up to the Burger Shack restaurant and started drooling like crazy. A trucker who was refilling his gasoline truck with premium gas groaned when a large rain drop fell on his head and slid down his face. When the driver looked up, he screamed when he realized the rain was a gigantic ball of saliva that came from Boris's mouth.

The driver tried to run away, but Boris picked up his body and tossed it into his mouth, gulping it down. Harley kicked the gasoline truck into the gas station, creating a giant fireball that roasted their feet and broke the glass of the Burger Shack. Boris abruptly pulled the top of the Burger Shack's roof off and stared directly down into the restaurant, smiling devilishly.

All the pedestrians ran outside screaming at the top of their lungs. Harley and Boris didn't bother trying to eat any of the running bystanders; they just stood there and chuckled to themselves.

"All right, let's eat!!"

Boris and Harley sat on the ground, grabbing giant handfuls of hamburgers, sodas, and fries, shoving them all inside their mouths. They were hungrily gulping and slurping down the food, with a couple of burps here and there.

"I'd be better off eating a bunch of salad, but I guess this'll do."

Harley burped and said, "Yeah…I could go for some chicken legs right now."

The two of them sighed and patted their stomachs twice, listening to the fluids inside their bellies slosh around like water.

"All right, I'm recharged now. Let's go take down that SCUM soda factory."

"Gotcha." said Harley.

* * *

Boris and Harley were right outside the city of Los Angeles. All they had to do was go through the tunnel that was built directly underneath a large mountainside that was extremely tall, even for their sizes.

"So…what's our plan?" asked Boris.

"You're the one who wants to destroy the SCUM factory! You come up with the idea!" said Harley.

Boris sighed and looked through the tunnel, finding out that it wasn't even that small. In fact, it probably was big enough for Boris to fit through. He got on his knees and began to crawl through the tunnel.

"Hey, this isn't so bad. I'm pretty sure it can even hold you in here Harley!"

Boris grunted twice as he tried to get further down the tunnel, not knowing what was going on. Then he glanced up and realized his horn was stuck between his head and the roof of the ceiling. Boris's tail and butt and hind legs were sitting there, sticking out of the tunnel.

Damnit, I'm stuck! A little help here Harley?"

"See? I knew your fat ass wouldn't fit through here!"

As Boris tried to get out of the tunnel, he shoved his butt in front of Harley's face and passed gas real loud, causing him to snort and sneeze.

"Sorry, man."

"You should be! That fart didn't even stink! It just smells like stale fries and butter!"

"I told you they give me gas!"

Harley struggled to yank Boris out of the tunnel, grabbing his feet and slowly pulling him back out of the cave.

"Jeez! Has anyone ever told you that your feet stink?"

"Shut up."

Harley yanked Boris out of the tunnel, both of them flying backwards and landing on their bottoms.

"So I guess we're climbing our way to Los Angeles?" asked Harley.

"Yeah, that sounds good. Hopefully, there won't be a second tunnel when we reach the top though."

"Let's just hope you don't shove your stinky rhino feet in my face again."


	4. Attack on LA part 1

**Attack on L.A. (part 1)**

Boris and Harley were standing on top of the mountain that overlooked the city of Los Angeles. The city glowed like stars in the night sky, millions of people sleeping and working late. And despite how big it was, the two of them could clearly see the SCUM factory smack dab in the middle of downtown, glowing with a radiant green. Boris's ear twitched and shook a little, indicating he heard something important.

"Hey, Harley, you hear that?"

"What?"

"…Howling? I think it's Ralph."

"How do you know it isn't just some stray wolf?"

"Trust me, I know that howl."

"Well if he's trapped down there, we gotta release him! Besides, we could really use another ally."

"You're right. Let's go save a Werewolf."

Boris and Harley started running down the hill, violently shaking the ground and setting off a couple of car alarms as they jolted up and down. Boris began to yell when he got down on all fours and charged his giant horn right into a black SUV, which flew into the air and exploded into a building. Harley jumped on the side of the building and started punching out all the windows, eating a couple people inside.

Boris grabbed a yellow car and threw it right into a large casino glittering with blue lights. After all the support beams began to crack, the pedestrians began to quickly rush out. Boris ignored them and started kicking the casino, damaging it until it cracked heavily and toppled to the ground in rubble.

Harley was still on top of the skyscraper with a hole inside it, jumping up and down and crushing each floor with his thunderous jumps. He soon jumped down to another tower and latched on, ripping out a part of the tower and throwing it at the other building. Harley slid down the tower and calmly walked away, not looking at the two buildings that crumbled from too much damage.

Boris was strolling through the food district of L.A., wrecking every kind of restaurant he could find, eating all the food inside them all. First he kicked his foot into a Burger Shack shop and started pounding all the citizens with his fists and kicking them far away from him. Then he jumped on top of a Longhorn Steakhouse restaurant and started eating all the steaks inside them, belching loudly afterwards. From there on out, he just kept kicking restaurants left and right, eating whatever contents were inside. Boris grabbed a trailer truck that transported taco supplies to a Taco Bar shop and ripped open the back, spilling all the contents inside his mouth and gulping it all down.

"Hey! Buzz off!" yelled Boris, swatting the truck at a blue news chopper.

Boris suddenly farted a green cloud of gas, compelling the news reporter to shout out,

"PHEW! What's that smell?! Did that monster just fart?!"

"Oops. Sorry!"

"You got a colon problem Stinky?"

"Oh, shut up!"

Boris threw the truck at the helicopter, causing them both to explode. The helicopter slowly spun out of control and crashed right into a small news station, blowing them both up.

"So a lot of the foods I eat give me gas. Get over it!!"

* * *

Harley was at the Los Angeles wharf, destroying all of the boats and warehouses that were transporting SCUM soda ingredients to the factory. Harley jumped into the water and punched the top of a SCUM tanker, causing it to explode and sink into the water.

"Holy crap! That warthog's huge!" yelled a dock worker.

"Get him!" yelled an angry pedestrian.

Some of the workers started throwing Molotov cocktails and shooting Harley with shotguns, but they only managed to faze him a tiny bit. Harley growled and turned around, kicking the dock workers away. Then he grabbed two pedestrians with his left hand and tossed them both into his mouth. A couple of yachts were quickly zooming away from the wharf, but Harley wasn't intending to let them get away.

He picked up couple of forklifts and chucked them along the ocean, trying to hit the yachts and make them crash. Amazingly, it only took him one try to hit all four yachts with each forklifts causing them to catch on fire and slowly sink beneath the water.

"Now…onto that SCUM soda factory."

Harley took a giant truck filled with SCUM soda in the tank and bashed it through the factory, spilling all the soda and some of the workers on the ground. Harley climbed right on the front of the building and stared right into the factory, snorting loudly and cracking some of the windows.

"Uh…boss?" asked a worker.

"Yeah?" asked the owner of the factory.

"…There's a giant warthog in front of the factory…"

"Uh…"

Harley punched into the factory and grabbed the manager, throwing him several miles into the ocean. The worker screamed and ran downstairs as Harley kicked his feet into the building, leaving his two footprints in the concrete and metal. Harley got on top of the factory and started punching down on the roof, slamming his fists into the concrete several times over. The whole building began to shake and rattle as more workers rushed out of the place, gazing at the humongous warthog with awe.

Harley climbed on the top of another, taller building and stood on the edge of it, ready to throw himself off. As soon as Harley jumped, he positioned himself like a cannonball and fell straight through the factory, creating a large gaping hole in the roof. The whole building began to shake violently and soon enough, the SCUM soda factory plummeted to the ground.

"Well, that's one less SCUM production facility to worry about. What next?"

* * *

"Harley! I think I just found Ralph!" said Boris.

Harley ran across the road and next to Boris, who was standing next to a gigantic jail cell. Two red eyes adjacent from each other watched the two large creatures.

"Hey, guys! Could you get me out of here?" asked the eyes.

"Ralph! It is you!" said Harley.

"No kidding. Now could you please break open this cell so we can destroy the rest of this city and go save the others?" asked Ralph, sticking his head and hands between the cell bars.

"We can't yet. Until this ENTIRE city has been completely bashed up and broken, this jail won't go down."

Ralph groaned.

"What're you complaining about? We just broke half of this city apart in five minutes! And on top of that, I managed to crush a SCUM factory!"

"Okay, I'll wait here I guess. Just be careful though; I heard some of the guards talking about calling in the military so don't be surprised if some bombers and tanks and choppers arrive soon."

Boris laughed. "How's the military gonna get here in less that five minutes??"

Boris and Harley turned around after hearing the sound of helicopter blades. A whole armada of tanks, choppers, and police forces and soldiers were right behind the two monsters, ready to blast their heads off.

"Oh, crap."

**To be continued…**


	5. Attack on LA part 2

**Attack on L.A. (part 2)**

Boris and Harley were gazing at the tanks that were ready to blast the two of them to smithereens. They needed to think carefully about what tactics they should use to destroy them all in time and rescue Ralph.

"Okay…let's plan this carefully. When they come by--"

Harley jumped on top of tank and started stomping on it while swatting the helicopters out of the sky.

"Goddamnit Harley!" yelled Boris.

Boris kicked a police car into a gas station and watched as they both exploded. He grunted loudly when a tank blasted him in the back and he fell on top of a small bank, crushing it.

"Hey!"

Boris grunted again when the same tank blasted a missile in his face. He rolled around on the ground and started pounding the tank with both of his fists, crushing it and blowing it up in a fiery metal inferno. Harley was still swatting choppers out of the sky while getting shot at and having to avoid tank fire.

"Harley! How many more building you got left till this city's destroyed?" asked Ralph.

"Just a few more! We just gotta deal with these tanks and choppers first!" said Harley.

Boris started picking up the army men that were shooting him in the back and tossed them into his mouth, swallowing them whole. Then he started kicking cops cars left and right, amazed that all the police officers continued to shoot at both of them. An APC arrived and three army officers with Rocket launchers came out, shooting the monsters with RPGs.

"Harley! Take out the APC!!" yelled Boris.

Harley grabbed the APC before it drove away and threw it through a yellow fire department building, setting it on fire. A few seconds later, the whole thing began to burn down.

"…That's ironic." said Harley.

Harley grunted when some of the army officers hit him in the stomach with the RPGs. He turned around and kicked two of the officers, then picked one up and ate him too. He saw an army truck appeared and drop off a grenadier and two riflemen…who were all quickly eaten by Harley.

"Really, I do not see why you keep sending people to kill us. We are just going to eat them." said Harley.

"Yeah! These guys are stupid!"

As Harley and Boris were laughing, a bomber suddenly appeared and dropped a whole stream of bombs of the two monsters.

"OW!!! What the hell?"

Another stream of bombs fell on top of the monsters. Boris grabbed a tank and started throwing it at the bomber, only to have it explode when many bombs were dropped on top of it. He growled violently and started climbing up the side of a purple financial building…only to get knocked down when another bomb fell on top of him. Boris growled again and climbed on the front of the building, making sure he punched out the windows and damaged the support beams greatly. Boris eventually reached the top and waited for the bomber to come back.

"Just come over here so I can punch you out the sky!" said Boris.

The green bomber suddenly appeared and was ready to drop a whole payload of bombs on top of Boris. When it got close enough, Boris made a fist and punched it upwards, creating a giant hole in the bottom of the bomber. The engines in the bombers exploded and began to spin out of control, eventually crashing into another small federal bank.

Now there were only two building left to destroy: A museum and a car parking lot with several levels on it. Boris and Harley walked over to the buildings and stared at them, wondering what they should do to them.

"Should we just stomp on the buildings until they crumble?"

"That's not inventive at all." said Harley.

"We could take a bite out of it. I'm pretty sure brown bricks taste good!"

"We've been biting things ever since we've been at Gray Whale!"

"Fine, let's fart on it! I know that's what you want!" said Boris mockingly.

"We've done that already. How bout--"

"JUST KNOCK OVER THE GODDAMN BUILDINGS!!!" screamed Ralph.

Boris and Harley kicked a hole in the buildings, breaking the support beams and causing them to crumble.

"Okay, let's go free Ralph."

Boris ran over to the jail cell and punched it twice, causing it to crack to tumble down into nothing.

"I'M FREEEE!!!!" yelled Ralph.

He then howled triumphantly at the moon, happy that he had finally been freed from his cage.

"Dude, you reek!" said Harley.

Ralph inhaled his armpits deeply and sighed contently.

"Yeeeaah, I stink! Go ahead, smell me!"

Ralph exhaled deeply right in front of Harley's face, making him hold his nose and groan.

"We get it Ralph, your breath stinks."

"Shut up! I've been trapped in there for several months. What am I supposed to smell like?!"

"Everyone just chill out! Shouldn't you guys be happy that we've got another partner that'll help us in our quest of destruction?"

"Yeah, but I just wish our ally smells better."

Ralph growled at Harley.

"Ralph ignore Harley, Harley shut up. We gotta figure out our next target." said Boris.

"I heard some of the guards talking about Icky being held in Salt Lake City. How's about we go there next?" suggested Ralph.

"Fine, but not before we travel to Idaho." said Harley.

"What's in Idaho?"

"Potatoes."

"…"

"…"

"Whatever. Let's just free roam until we find something to crush with our hands." said Ralph.

"Next stop: Boise!" said Harley.

"We are NOT going to Idaho!!"


	6. Gassy Tactics part 1

**Gassy Tactics (part 1)**

Boris, Ralph, and Harley were walking on another desert road that was completely unpopulated. All they found were a couple of rushing cars here and there which were crushed by their feet, and Boris found a cabbage patch and started eating all the heads of cabbage on the fields.

"So we're going to Boise, right?" asked Harley.

"NO! We're not going to Idaho just to eat a few potatoes!" said Ralph.

"Can't we swing by Las Vegas and bash up a couple of casinos? I feel like wrecking some expensive hotels for some reason…" said Boris.

"We'll do that after we rescue Icky. Right now, maybe we should find a place to rest at…like that gigantic tent over there." said Ralph.

The three monsters walked up to a tent that was so tall that all three of them would be able to fit inside of it.

"What idiot makes a tent this size?"

"Someone who wants to break a world record. Look at this!" said Boris.

He pointed to a sign next to the tent that said 'World's Largest Tent: over 70 feet high' in large bold letters. The tent itself had large poles impaled to the ground by thick ropes on four ends. Somehow, they supported the center with a 70 foot pole and put a multi-green colored cape over it all.

"At lease the tent is big enough to hold all of us in here." said Boris.

The monsters crawled inside of the tent and laid down, stretching and relaxing as comfortably as possible.

"Ahhh, this is better. I finally found a place where I got enough leg room to stretch my legs." said Ralph, wiggling his toes.

"Stop waving your feet in front of my face! No one wants to smell your cheesy toe-jam!" complained Boris.

"Yeah, and your breath is stinkin' up the place!" said Harley.

Ralph lifted his leg and farted loudly, chuckling afterwards.

"Does that stink?"

"Nice, but you could stink it up better than that." said Harley.

"I just ate a bunch of tacos and steaks! How does that not stink?"

Harley hiked up his leg too and passed gas, making the tent flutter a little and emitting a foggy green gas inside of it. All of the monsters fell to their backs and started laughing hysterically.

"That's was ripe man!" said Boris, holding his nose.

"I can do better than that!" said Ralph.

He put his hand underneath his armpits and started making a farting noise with his armpits four times in a row.

"That doesn't count; that was fake!"

"Was it?" asked Ralph, smiling widely.

Everyone sniffed the air twice and groaned and started laughing again when they got a whiff of rotten eggs. Ralph had disguised his farting noises by making armpit farts.

"Oh, come on! That wasn't even that loud! Watch this!" said Boris.

Boris started grunting really hard until a gigantic cloud of funky gas erupted from his butt. The sound was so loud that it caused the pole to crack slightly and it nearly broke the tent. Everyone was laughing so hard that their faces were turning red and they were almost crying. They didn't even mind the horrible smell at all.

"That was too funny! This is just too damn funny!!" said Ralph.

"Hey guys! Why are we doing this to ourselves when we can simply go into town and start gas blasting the people there?" suggested Harley.

"It's a farting-in-the-tent contest. It's no fun when more people decide to join in! Every time I have these, it's usually with two other people." said Boris.

"Hmm…I guess you're right. Still…this is just hilarious."

"We can always practice new moves before we go into town. I know some perfect techniques that could destroy a town in seconds!" said Harley.

"Is that so…?"

* * *

"Okay, this is what I call Fire Down Below. Now Ralph, I want you to inhale and exhale with your mouth as hard as you can." said Harley.

"Why?"

"Just do it! You're gonna laugh when you see what happens._"_

Ralph inhaled deeply with his nose and exhaled right in front of Harley's face, making him plug his nose.

"EWW!!! I didn't mean in front of me Wolf Breath!"

"What? Did I do it wrong?"

"Yes, you did. Now turn sideways and try it again."

Ralph exhaled really hard again, but this time a large stream of flame lit flatulence came out, lighting the sign on fire.

"Holy crap! Did I just fart fire?!" asked Ralph.

"You'd be surprised how effective that can be in certain areas. Now tell me where your itchy point is." said Harley.

"Itchy point?"

"Yeah. Where's the place you like to be scratched at?"

"Under my neck. Why?"

Harley started to scratch Ralph right near his chin. Ralph started sighing contently and giggling a little bit.

"Oh, yeeeeaaah…that's the spot."

Ralph's tail started to wag like crazy and he started to stomp his right foot on the ground rapidly. Lots of dogs do the same thing, but Ralph had been mutated with SCUM soda chemicals, so he had a few side effects. Right when Harley had finished scratching Ralph, Ralph farted loudly and jolted himself forward a little bit, leaving a black cloud around his anus.

"What the hell?"

"Stop breathing right now!"

All the monsters took a deep breath and waited for the cloud to go away. Then they exhaled and started to talk to each other again.

"What was that about?" asked Boris.

"If anyone inhales fart clouds like that, you'll be dead within the next two days. Somehow, I found a way to produce a vapor form of oil from our stomachs, which is highly toxic. Lucky for me, I'm immune to it."

"Lucky you…" muttered Ralph.

"We're still not done Stink Breath. I got one more trick to show you."

Ralph growled deeply at Harley, tired of his various comments about Ralph having bad breath.

"Okay, rub your stomach and hop on one foot, then burp out loud and aim for the tent."

"That sounds stupid!"

"Who's the gaseous expert here????"

Ralph grumbled and started hopping on one foot while rubbing his stomach. Then he inhaled deeply and belched at the tent, expelling a giant cloud of gas. The tent began to slowly dissolve until the whole thing just collapsed.

"Acid Breath?"

"Harley, where'd you learn all this stuff?!" asked Boris.

Harley shrugged. "Internet."

"Well, not that we've got all that settled, let's go on to Salt Lake City! Oh, and one last thing…" started Ralph.

"What?"

Ralph shoved Harley's head near his butt and farted violently in his face, laughing after Harley quickly retracted his head.

"WHOOO!! THAT STINKS MAN! THAT STINKS BAD!!! WHOO!!!"

"All right, you guys have had your fun. Let's get going already!"


	7. Locked Up

**Locked Up**

George, the large brown ape, was sitting in his jail cell in New York City, alone and bored. There really wasn't anything he could do besides walk around and eat the food that was given to him. All the scientists and guards in the jail were looking at him through a bulletproof glass not even George could penetrate. Even if he punched at the wall, it would simply shock him to the point of rendering him unconscious. George grunted questionably when a tray full of cabbage was given to him on a humongous gray tray.

"Hey. HEY! People in the window! HELLOOOO!!! I don't want any goddamn cabbage! Don't you have any bananas in your food stock?" asked George.

None of the scientist responded, and George continued to look at the cabbages.

"Fine, I'll eat the cabbages."

George grabbed a handful of cabbages and started noisily chomping on them, swallowing them hard and grabbing another chuck in his hand.

"So how is the preparation going?" asked a SCUM lab manufacturer.

"We haven't done any tests yet; some of our guards wandered inside and they wound up being the ape's dinner." A scientist responded.

"What's the current situation right now?" asked another SCUM employee.

"Well, so far George has been trying to get out of the jail, but other than that, he's been acting normally."

"What would you qualify as 'normal'?" asked a SCUM director.

"He acts like an animal locked up in a cage longing to get out. He plays several…vulgar pranks on us and tries to mutilate the jail, thinking we might come inside and let him out. That's why we moved him to a cell he can't get out of with a bulletproof glass pane."

"Is there any downside to all of this?"

"We haven't experimenting yet, and since there's no bathroom anywhere, he has to pee and poop in the corner…and we haven't found a safe way to clean it up yet."

"Hey, can we take any pictures of him?" asked some SCUM officer.

"Sure, why not?"

A couple of SCUM employees and tourists began snapping photos of the giant ape, unaware that the various onlookers were peeving him off.

"You want a photo? Here, take a shot of this!" said George.

George turned around and mooned the crowd, showing them his hairy brown butt.

"Yeah, that's real mature." muttered a scientist.

"Okay, I think we've seen enough. I don't need to spend the rest of my day looking down a gorilla's butt hole."

George suddenly farted loudly for two seconds, sounding like he was about to poop in mid-air. But he just turned around and laughed. Unfortunately for George, the cabbage produced a foul-smelling gas in his colons and the gas started to stink up the cell. George fell to the floor, holding his nose and trying to fan the smell away.

"Thank God his cell is sealed air-tight too. At least this glass is in the way so we don't have to smell his fart either."

**Meanwhile…in Utah…**

Ralph, Harley, and Boris were in the Zion National Park, a park that was located right on the border of Utah, overlooking a parade. Ralph was urinating heavily into the lake of the park, sighing contently.

"How much soda did you drink yesterday?" asked Harley.

"I don't know; I lost count after 80 galloons." responded Ralph.

Ralph finished doing his business and began to gaze at the parade too.

"All right, looks like another pit stop. I see a lot of delicious human beings in that parade…" said Boris.

Ralph licked his lips and his mouth started watering. He hadn't eaten anything since he was in Los Angeles. Tacos and steaks couldn't fuel an oversized wolf forever.

"All right, after we take out Zion National Park, we head straight for Icky, right?" asked Boris.

"Yes. Now let's go ruin a parade!"

The three monsters jumped over a hill and slid down the rough grass, revealing themselves to the crowd. Ralph crept behind the marching band in the parade and the balloon holders, ignoring the loud trumpets blaring and drums getting pounded on. All the other people must've thought that Ralph was some giant float, so he managed to blend right in.

"Wow! These people must be really good at designing floats; that giant blue wolf one looks almost real!" said an onlooker.

Ralph laughed and decided to toy with the parade watchers and band marchers a little longer. Ralph walked up behind the band marchers and burped right on top of them, blasting a couple of the players away.

"Oh, that's cool! I never knew you could build a float that burps on people!" said a marcher.

"Yeah…so how'd they get the smell in the float's mouth? It smells like sulfur!"

A marcher shrugged. "Sulfur powder in the exhaust pipes located in the mouth?"

Ralph chuckled under his breath and decided to play another prank. He put his hand under his arm and started making musical arm-farts that went to the beat of what the band was playing.

"That's so amazing! They even got the float to play the band's anthem…with his armpit!" said an onlooker.

A band player glanced at Ralph, who was still snickering under his breath. He was beginning to realize that something was wrong.

"Hey Jerry, I need you to call the uh…float director and see if some giant blue wolf was supposed to be a part of it."

"Why? Everybody loves it!"

"Um…just do it."

Ralph walked up to all the parade watchers and stood next to them, saying,"Hey, do any of you guys want to take a tour of my insides?"

"SURE!!!"

"Okay, just hop into my mouth." Ralph laughed.

Ralph rested his head on the ground and waited for the pedestrians to walk on his moist tongue, ignoring the comments they made about his breath. When Ralph's mouth was full, he stood up and started chewing and crunching on all of them, still shocked that none of them realized that Ralph was a 50 foot tall monster."

"Anyone else?"

"YEAH!!"

Another 20 pedestrians ran into his mouth and were devoured by Ralph as he chewed on their bodies.

"Dude, he's eating all the food!" said Boris.

"Jerry…I just got off the phone with our parade director…he said there isn't a giant wolf in the parade plans…"

"If that's not a float then what…"

Jerry and his friend stared at the giant wolf who was still enjoying the various civilians he was munching on. They suddenly freaked out when they saw Boris and Harley stomping their way through the streets too. It wasn't until the very last second that the two of them realized that the three giant creatures were actually mutated monsters ready to rip them all to shreds. Jerry and the rest of the band dropped their instruments and ran away, screaming.

Just when Boris and Harley were about to eat all of the tourists, they all realized that they were monsters too and began to run away. Boris and Harley were left with nothing but floating balloons to eat.

"Great job Ralph, you ate all the food!" yelled Boris.

"Hey, you could've joined in if you wanted to!" said Ralph.

"What are we supposed to eat until we get to Salt Lake City?" asked Harley.

"Uhh…"

Ralph kicked open a souvenir shop filled with 30 tourists. None of them even noticed that the roof was ripped off.

"15 for you, 15 for Boris. Now go eat."

Boris and Harley scrambled to the tourist trap location and hungrily scooped all the people into their mouths. They licked their lips and rubbed their bellies, satisfied with the little snack they just ate.

"Okay, now we can go rescue Icky." said Harley.

"What if there's a trap set like in Los Angeles?" asked Ralph.

"Trust me…that's not gonna happen again."


	8. Prickly Bustout

**Prickly Bustout**

After busting up the little parade in Zion National Park, Ralph, Boris, and Harley began to walk hundreds of miles to the north, heading for Salt Lake City. Ralph had to stop once again for another potty break, but other than that, they were able to reach the city in time. There was a ton of important buildings that the trio could demolish, ranging from the UTA light rail stations, to the Getaway Mall, to the Wells Fargo Center…and of course, the Utah State Capital.

"Wow, this city looks huge!" said Ralph.

"Compared to San Francisco, this is nothing." said Harley.

"You destroyed the whole city with one gigantic fart. How would know if the city was big or not?" asked Boris.

"Whatever. Look, we just gotta find Icky before Utah decides to call in the Special Forces."

"I know…but it's just so hard to find out which building to wreck first!" complained Ralph.

Ralph thought for a couple of minutes and suddenly got another idea for a crude and effective prank.

"You guys wait here; I got another idea." snickered Ralph.

Ralph crept up to the Museum of Fine Arts and ripped off the building's roof, gazing down at all of the art-lookers. All of them gasped as they looked up at the 50 foot tall wolf. Ralph snickered again and turned around so his tail was wagging in the museum.

"Hey, if you guys want to see some real art, yank my tail really hard!" said Ralph.

Some of the people in the museum looked absolutely puzzled at the idea, trying to figure out why a wolf that large was even talking in the first place.

"But--"

"DO IT!" snarled Ralph.

Nevertheless, one of the pedestrians pulled his tail. Ralph broke wind so violently into the museum that the whole building was blasted away and it ended up crumbling to the ground. Ralph fell to the street on his back and started laughing wildly. All of the people on the streets were running away, screaming and groaning from the gaseous odors.

"You were right Ralph: That was pure art!!" said Boris.

"Okay, okay, enough fun. Now let's destroy this city and find Icky!" said Harley.

Boris charged into the Salt Lake City Public Library and it tumbled to the ground in a matter of seconds. Then he ran into Temple Square and roared loudly into the whole area, knocking over every single building and eating any of the people that ran away from the place. After wrecking the Square, Boris grabbed a bus and shook it above his mouth so he could gulp all of the pedestrians inside. Then he used the bus to throw it into a metro bus refueling station, which blew up into several pieces.

Harley went to another important museum in Utah and jumped on top of it, stomping on it over and over again until all of the floors crushed on top of each other and fell to the ground. Harley grunted and jumped on top of a tank that was about to shoot him down, pounding on it with his fists so that it would fire tank shells at a national bank. The bank collapsed to the ground and the tank exploded after Harley pounded on it five times. Harley giggled sinisterly as he ran his way to the 222 South Main building, which was one of the main source buildings inside of Salt Lake City. Harley snorted and spat at the building, his large wad of saliva smashing through the windows and messing up some of the electric currents. Of course, Harley decided to drain the whole power of Salt Lake City…so naturally, he peed on the building.

"Hey, what the hell? Why'd it get so dark all of a sudden?!" asked Ralph.

Ralph just shrugged and continued wrecking a large area of Salt Lake City. He climbed on top of the Wells Fargo Center and started kicking in the windows, laughing as he saw the pedestrians run away and scream like idiots. Ralph climbed on the top of it (knocking down the Fargo Center logo) and stomped on top of it. He started to angrily punch the top of it, wrecking every single glass pane and knocking thousands if not millions of pounds of metal and cement to the ground. Then he slid down the building hanging on with his left claw only, destroying some of the support beams. Ralph looked at the building and waited until he saw it shake violently and crumble into ash.

"Hey Ralph, you think you can create real art? Watch this!" said Boris.

Boris grunted really hard and pooped violently on the street, morphing the piles of poop into balls.

"Dude, don't you think it's disgusting to hold your own balls of poop?"

"We're animals; we do disgusting things all the time. Half the time I see George pee in his mouth."

"True."

Boris laughed and set one of the balls of poop on the top of a hill. Then he lightly kicked one of the balls down a hill until it mashed and splattered through the entrance of the ZCMI Central Mall, demolishing the whole thing. Boris and Ralph laughed and snickered as they saw many pedestrians run outside…covered in Boris's excrement.

"Wait a second, wait a second! Do you hear that train?"

"Yeah…"

"I got another idea." said Ralph, smiling.

Ralph grabbed one of Boris's balls of poop and chucked it high into the air, making sure it landed on a UTA TRAX railroad system. A red train was headed right for the splattered ball of excrement and it ended up derailing and crashing into several other buildings, blowing up all of the cars. The whole situation was hilarious to the rhino and wolf.

"Guys…why are you sitting next to balls of crap?" asked Harley, who was finished destroying his section of the city.

"We're throwing them at buildings to see if they're strong enough to destroy them. So far I derailed and train and Boris destroyed a mall!" said Ralph.

"Why?"

"Cause it's fun!" said Boris.

"…That's true." said Harley.

Harley kicked the last ball of poop like a soccer ball and it soared into the air, smashing into the Utah State Capitol, crumbling it to nothing but dust, metal, and poop.

"GOOOOOOOOAAAAALLL!!!" yelled Harley.

* * *

After many more minutes of wrecking the city with various vulgar forms of entertainment, the trio arrived at Icky's cell. Icky was a 50 foot tall bluish echidna with thousands of red spikes on his back. He had green eyes and an odd taste for cockroaches…but he's an echidna, so bugs would obviously be his favorite food.

Ralph jumped on the side of the jail and bashed it three times with his fists. Icky ran outside the jail, panting heavily.

"GOD! Thank you so much guys! I was so cramped in there!"

Icky yelled contently when he started to scratch his butt deeply with his right hand.

"Oooohhhh, yeeessss. Yeah…that feeeeeels goooood…" moaned Icky.

"ICKY!" yelled Boris.

"What?"

"Did you want us to break you out of jail just so you could scratch your ass?" asked Ralph.

"Do you guys know how hard it is to scratch your ass in those type of buildings???" asked Icky.

"…That's true." said Ralph.


	9. Plane Swatter

**Plane Swatter**

After freeing Icky from his cell, Boris, Harley, Ralph, and Icky traveled to the Salt Lake City International Airport, where they were vandalizing the terminals and runways, sabotaging the planes as they began to take off and land.

"Okay, I've destroyed the international terminals. What should we do next?" asked Icky.

"I dunno. This is kinda starting to get a little boring now." said Boris.

"Fine, let's go to Boise." suggested Harley.

"We are not going to go eat any goddamn potatoes!!" yelled Ralph.

"Yeah! And who made you the boss of where we go to anyway?!" asked Icky.

"I say…we go to Dublin!" said Ralph.

"Ireland?! Who gives a crap about Irish monuments?" asked Boris.

"I don't care about that! All I wanna do is eat the people and destroy the DART trains, maybe go snack on some foreign sausages and beer."

"Again, screw Dublin! Our primary goal is to free our mutant friends and takeover the world by destroying all the SCUM labs! I say we go to New York City and try to find George. His ape attitude should help us is taking over the world."

Icky snapped his fingers. "I got it! Let's go to Tashkent!"

"What?!!?" shouted all the monsters.

"Uzbekistan, Icky? Are you serious? What the hell could be in Tashkent?!" asked Ralph.

"I'm half Russian guys, can't you tell by my accent?"

"No."

"…Anyways…I've always wanted to travel to the Sergeli district…and take a bite out of it!! Uzbekistan ruined my family's life and it's time for payback bitches!"

"Yeah…we're not going to Uzbekistan."

Icky kicked Ralph in the groin, leading him to howl in pain and grab his scrotum with both of his hands. Ralph returned the favor by biting Icky on the nose and stomping on his foot. Both monsters roared at each other and were about to start beating the crap out of each other, but Boris intervened and held the two of them back.

"Guys, guys! Don't fight each other! We're gonna need the energy when we travel to the next city! Now…there's other ways we can solve arguments like this." said Boris.

"Like what? We make Wolf Boy bathe in mouthwash?" said Icky.

Harley laughed. "We should do that!"

"You're pushing it Harley…" growled Ralph.

"What about another fart contest?" asked Harley.

"No, let's save that for when we rescue George. I was thinking more of…plane swatter."

"Plane swatter? What's that?" asked Icky.

"Basically, each monster has 60 seconds to swat at many planes as they can in the most creative manner. Whoever swats the most planes in the most creative way wins."

"So we could do whatever we want to in order to destroy the planes…? Anything at all?"

"Pretty much. How's about you go first Harley?"

"With pleasure Boris?"

Harley climbed on top of a tower and snickered to himself, pointing his butt towards the sky.

"You guys better watch out! This is about to get messy!" yelled Harley.

Harley somehow endured the symptoms of diarrhea while he was destroying Salt Lake City, so if he grunted hard enough, he was able to squirt his excrement high into the air, onto the planes. Some of the planes were hit so hard that they exploded on contact or the wings were jammed and ended up crashing into the ocean. As a result, Harley managed to crash seven planes.

"Amateur. Let me show you how it's done!!" said Boris.

Boris still had several balls of his poop laying behind him, which he was going to need in order to swat down the planes. Boris ripped off two terminal support beams and tied a massive stretchable tarp to the top of both beams. Then Boris put a ball of poop inside the tarp and stretched it back until it was getting ready to snap. In other words, Boris made a slingshot that was fit for a 50 foot monster to hold. Boris launched five poop balls simultaneously and watched as they soared into the air, hitting five planes and sending them into the ocean. Boris did the same thing over and over again until he was empty, but in the aftermath, he destroyed thirteen planes.

"Oh, damnit. Looks like we're not going to Boise…" said Harley, dejectedly.

"My turn!" shouted Ralph, climbing on top of the control tower and lifting his head high in the air.

Ralph inhaled deeply, puffing out his chest so much Boris thought he might crush his ribs. Then he opened his gaping mouth and exhaled into the sky, spreading his foul breath into the atmosphere, turning the whole sky a greenish sickly cloud color. All the planes wouldn't be able to see through any of it, and were most likely crashing into each other. Ralph laughed in a conniving way and looked up in the sky again. This time, he sighed and started urinating into the green mist, making sure his urine shot upward into the sky. After he was done emptying his bladder, Boris and the gang witnessed nearly hundreds of planes fall from the sky, the metal corroded with some odd form of acid.

"Uh…what just happened?" asked Harley.

"See, why you were teaching me new fart moves, I started 'experimenting' on my own. I found out that the toxins in my breath combined with the chemicals in my urine can become corrosive and melt through metal. How cool is that?!"

"Awesome." said Boris flatly.

"Well, it looks to me like we're going to Dublin." said Ralph.

"Step aside Wolf Boy! Let me show you guys how an echidna does it!" said Icky.

"Pfft! Yeah, like the new guy can swat more planes than me!" Ralph scoffed.

Icky ran onto the runway and started grunting so hard that his eyeballs were growing huge and he was sweating a lot. After 10 seconds, Icky sighed heavily and large streams of green bubbles were excreted from his anus. All of them slowly began to rise in the air next to the path of the planes.

"…Dude…did you just make fart-bubbles?" asked Harley.

"Damn straight! Now watch this…"

Icky ripped some of the spikes of his back and tossed them at the bubbles like spears. When they popped, they made a vulgar explosive sound and knocked several of the planes across the sky, sending them into buildings and slamming them onto the road. Icky knocked down at least forty planes in the process.

"Cool! Explosives fart-bubbles!" said Boris.

"I'm still not done yet guys!"

Icky stuck his thumb into his mouth and blew down so hard that all the spikes in his back began to stand up, as though they were ready to be fired from his back. Icky once again turned around and grunted violently until he started sweating again, but this time, he farted hard enough to bury the whole airport in funky green gas. While the area was masked, Icky began to spin extremely fast so the spikes in his back would fly out in various direction like blow darts. None of the pilots could see anything in the green fog; they were flying blind. It wasn't until the red spikes impaled the metal of the plane and engines that they all realized it was too late to do anything. All the planes heading for Salt Lake City International Airport crashed or exploded on impact.

When all the mist cleared, there was nothing left but hundreds of crashed planes lying on the ground, burning and exploding. There was no doubt about it; Icky won the plane swatter game.

"Damn, I thought warthog farts smell bad!" said Harley, deeply inhaling the air.

"What's with you and farts man?" asked Icky.

"I'm a professional when it comes to scatology. I used to study it when I was younger."

"Ah."

"Well, I guess we're going to Tashkent." said Boris.

"How? We can't just walk there." said Harley.

"Easy! See, if we jump on a moving plane, like those four over there, we can force it to move whichever way we want to go just by jolting the plane with our hands."

"Really?"

"George, Lizzie, and I always did that! How else would we get to England from America so quickly?"

"We better do this quickly before the planes takeoff."

* * *

Ralph, Boris, Icky, and Harley were lying on their stomachs on top of the planes, quickly zooming their way through the sky, soaring at several hundred miles an hour.

"Ralph! Are you sure these planes are supposed to go this fast?!" shouted Boris.

"It's not too--"

Ralph shut his mouth and swallowed hard when something flew into his mouth.

"…I think I just swallowed a bird."

Meanwhile, Icky was groaning and retching like crazy on his plane.

"Guys…I don't feel so good…" he moaned.

"What's wrong with you?" asked Harley.

"I hate flying."

"Then why did you decide to go to Uzbekistan?!"

"I hate Uzbekistan more!"

Icky retched loudly and came severely close to vomiting in mid-air.

"You don't want to do that! Anything that you throw forward while moving this fast will just fly right back in your face!" said Boris.

"That's not true! Watch!"

Ralph spat a large glob of saliva in front of him.

"See?"

Ralph groaned when the spit glob came back and splattered him in the face.

* * *

As the planes began to descend…crash to the ground in the city of Tashkent, all four monsters hopped off the plane and landed a couple of miles away from the city.

"Wow…that city looks amazing!" said Boris.

"Too bad we're gonna tear it down in mere minutes right?"

Harley, Boris and Ralph laughed evilly and licked their lips.

"Guys?" moaned Icky.

Everyone glanced at Icky to see that his face was green and he was slowly swaying in a drunken way.

"Oh yeah, you can throw up now." said Boris.

Icky leaned over next to Ralph and violently vomited right on his feet.

"...Yeah, cause I love it when giant echidnas vomit between my toes. Thanks Icky." said Ralph, flatly.


	10. Burning Colons

**Burning Colons**

"You feelin' better Icky?" asked Ralph.

Icky groaned and retched a little bit before he shook his head back and forth.

"Yeah I'm…I'm good."

"Okay, let's do this!"

"Yeah! ERRG! Oh…damnit…" groaned Boris.

"What's wrong now?" said Ralph in a frustrated voice.

"…I gotta use the bathroom."

"I told you Boris, only do that in the lake. Your rhino crap could gross out a skunk!" said Harley.

"I'm not gonna make it to a lake! I gotta go now!"

Everyone glanced left and right, looking for some sort of area that was large enough to contain Boris' excrement pile. Icky suddenly got an idea as his saw the Amir Tumir Museum with hundreds of pedestrians walking inside of it.

"Boris! Over here!" yelled Icky, running to the museum.

Boris groaned again as he held his fat belly, sustaining the various bursts of flatulence that was seeping out his anus. Icky grabbed the roof with both of his arms and grunted with effort as he tried to yank it off. Eventually, Icky tore off the roof, exposing all of the pedestrians to the sunlight.

"There ya go buddy. Just sit on top of that."

"You want him to poop inside a museum full of people???" asked Ralph.

"C'mon guys! You have any idea how funny this is gonna be?"

Everyone chuckled to themselves.

"Do it Boris!"

Boris sat down on the roof of the museum and began to wiggle his butt. Meanwhile, Ralph, Icky, and Harley blocked all the exits so that none of the tourists and Uzbekistanis would be able to get out. Boris' butthole began to expand and before he knew it, gallons of rhino fecal matter and smelly gas was raining down into the museum, gradually filling up by the second. Boris himself was grunting and farting repeatedly, trying to remove all the excrement from his bowels.

"Well, this sure makes a stink, don't it?!" laughed Harley.

"Hey, just be glad he's not pooping on us." said Icky.

It wasn't until about a minute later that Boris was done using the bathroom…or in this case, using the museum. Boris sighed and farted one last time before he hopped off the museum and stood on the ground. Looking back into the aftermath, Boris saw that the whole museum was filled to the brim with his poop, which was sloshing back and forth.

"Wow that must suck man! You just downed over 300 humans in over 20 tons of rhino shit!" laughed Ralph.

"Wanna take a whiff?" asked Boris.

"I'll do it!" shouted Harley happily.

"Okay, while you guys keep referring to fart jokes and scatology, I'm gonna go destroy some buildings." said Icky, extremely disgusted with the group.

"Oh, yeah. Let's get back to our objective here people! We gotta destroy Tashkent!" announced Boris.

And so, the four monsters split off in different directions to destroy the capital of Uzbekistan. Icky ran his way to the Tashkent International Airport and laughed to himself, watching all the foreign planes take off and land on the scattered runways. Hundreds of the crew members and people ready to board their planes began to scamper and run away, some of whom even jumped out the windows and injured their legs. Icky put hs right thumb in his mouth and blew a very hefty sum of air, like he was inflating a balloon. After his face began to turn red from the constant exhaling, the spikes around his body began to puff out and get spikier. Icky turned around and start to grunt very hard, waiting for something to happen. After some time, all of the spikes shot out of his back and flew right into the airport terminals and the planes taking off and landing. The planes that were hit by the spikes immediately exploded or were damaged so badly that it crashed into the ground and into some of the terminals, wrecking them both. As for the airport itself, that was pretty much ruined and mangled beyond recognition. Glass and dead bodies were everywhere and the giant pink spikes were lodged all over the ground. Amazingly, some of the terminals were still standing. Icky, feeling that he had successfully damaged the airport, walked away to find another valuable target.

* * *

Ralph was walking along the ground kicking camouflaged tanks with his feet and whacking his tail against large green Metro buses. Only a few tanks had managed to blast a missile at his back before he destroyed them and got his health back by eating more food and people. Ralph had been wandering around the city until he saw the Chorsu Bazaar. Inside of it was a store that sold hundreds of strange peppers and vegetables that Ralph really hated. Still, he punched a few holes into the building and exposed the store full of vegetables. He reached his large hand inside and dumped a whole box of red and purple spicy peppers into his mouth.

"Heh heh…I wonder…"

Ralph turned around to see that 10 tanks, two brown APCs and a few police cars were aiming all their weapons at the giant blue wolf. Some of them were shouting commands, but Ralph ignored them and deeply inhaled, puffing out his chest. Then he exhaled his bad breath onto the Bazaar, grossing out the market workers and buyers. After exhaling for five seconds, he passed fiery gas onto the law enforcement officials, setting all of them on fire and blowing up the vehicles. Ralph ate the peppers in order to perform the Fire Down Below move he learned from Harley.

"Wow that is handy!" said Ralph with amazement.

* * *

Boris was charging towards the Tashkent State Economic University on all fours, hitting the building with his horn and destroying the whole thing with one blow. He then turned around and kicked an APC as it began to fire hundreds of bullets at his back. Next to the college university was an office used for transporting electronic equipment to SCUM associations. Boris figured that since their main goal was to destroy SCUM labs, he might as well destroy any company affiliated with them as well. Boris picked up a tanker truck with the Shell logo on it and tossed it at the office building. The diesel fuel ignited and the building wound up plummeting to the ground. Boris sighed heavily, not knowing what to wreck next.

"Where to next?" said Boris to himself.

Boris' ears began to flap quickly as though they just heard something that pleased them and he began to drool. His voracious appetite began to come in when he saw a giant restaurant that had an All-You-Can-Eat Buffet…and it was only serving salads today. Boris began to laugh somewhat psychotically when he ran towards the restaurant and started to destroy it. Not caring too much about the humans, he dipped his hands inside and began to eat all the various types of salads. Sure, it was most likely going to give him even more gas, but he didn't care. He just enjoyed the crunchy plants that traveled down his throat.

* * *

"Hey guys! Look what I found!" shouted Harley, who had found another jail cell.

Icky, Boris, and Ralph stopped their destructive path and ran over to where Harley was, looking at the jail cell.

"Another monster perhaps?" asked Boris.

"Can't be. SCUM labs haven't established any jail cells in Uzbekistan." added Icky.

"Let's take a closer look--"

All the monsters walked towards the cell, only to groan loudly and cough after a horrible odor penetrated their nostrils.

"What the hell is that? Smells like George after he craps out a camel!"

"Hey, can any one of you guys let me outta here?" asked the monster.

"Um…who are you?"

"My name's Tavan. Look, I'm a mutant just like you guys so just break me outta here before they kill me!"

Harley charged up a punch and slammed his fist into the wall, but it violently shocked him when his skin made contact with the concrete.

"I don't get it! Why won't the building crack?!"

"You gotta get one of the guards to take the shockness out of the jail…unless this city hasn't been destroyed yet."

"I buried a museum in poop. Trust me, we're done with this city." said Boris.

The four monsters looked down to see a fleeing guard wearing a blue camouflage uniform and boots was running away beneath their feet, hoping they didn't spot him.

"Get him!" shouted Icky.

Boris bent over and grabbed the guard with his left hand, lifting the human guard to his head.

"Look what we got here guys!"

"Alright, let's ignore the sappy introductions and get to the point. You're gonna open up this cell or else we're gonna torture your ass." said Ralph.

"There's no way I'm helping monsters with breath as foul as yours!"

"We're monsters! Since when do monsters brush their teeth?!"

"I don't know! All I know is that I'm not turning off the electric current!"

Icky snatched the guard from Boris and looked directly into his eyes.

"Now…what should we do to a pathetic human like you? I know! How's about you scratch my ass until I feel better?"

"What?!"

Icky lowered the guard to his butt and violently began to rub his body back and forth, making sure he was satisfying him by scratching away the itch.

"Yeah, that feels gooood…I should be graceful your hair's prickly like a porcupine!"

Unfortunately, after some time, Icky got bored and stopped using the guard as an ass scratcher.

"Alright, this isn't working."

"That's cause your butt's clean! Mine still has poop smeared all over it! Give him to me; I'll make him cooperate." said Boris.

Boris took the guard and lowered him to his filthy behind, which was covered in brown poop and was attracting many flies.

"Don't…you…dare--"

Boris ignored him and started to slowly stroke the guard against his butt, sighing contently when the poop was starting to come off.

"You're right Icky. This does feel good!"

"OKAY! Okay, I'll-I'll turn it off! Just stop rubbing me on your butt!"

"Thank you."

Boris lowered the guard to the ground (who was now covered in stinky rhino dung) and watched as he walked over to the circuit box and switched it off. Then he stepped behind the guard and kicked him so hard in the back that he was launched into the air, disappearing into the clouds. Harley punched the jail cell three times and watched it crumble to the ground. As soon as the monster revealed himself, everybody quickly took many steps back and held their noses. The monster they just released was a blue skunk with a black stripe running down his back. The skunk got on all fours and shook himself like a wet dog, getting all of the dirt off his fur. Then he sniffed the air twice and walked over to the monsters.

"Thanks guys. Pleased to meet you!" said Tavan.

"No problem. Now we got five monsters to help us destroy this universe!" said Harley.

"You got any special powers?" asked Ralph.

Tavan laughed. "I'm a skunk! Do you really want to find out Stink Breath?"

Everyone chuckled to themselves while Ralph growled at Tavan.

"What is it with you monsters and my bad breath?"

"Ralph, we all have bad breath. Yours just smells the worst out of us five!" Icky pointed out.

"That's a good thing right? It brings out my monster-like qualities!"

"…Sure, let's go with that."


	11. Gassy Tactics part 2

**Gassy Tactics (part 2)**

Ralph, Boris, Harley, Icky, and their new partner, Tavan, were traveling down a narrow road that lead to a very tiny town with a name that only Icky could pronounce in Russian. It wasn't really the name that mattered; it was how they were going to destroy it. So far, they had walked about 20 miles and only stopped once so that Tavan could urinate in a large lake, but so far they were on track. Icky belched loudly and sighed as though he were exhausted.

"I'm bored." moaned Icky.

"Fine, we'll just throw your ass back into the jail cell." said Ralph.

"How's about we destroy that town over there?" Icky suggested.

Tavan walked over to the tiny town, but was surprised to see that almost nobody was there. Nothing was in the town besides cacti and deserted motels with signs written in foreign language. Tavan sighed dejectedly and walked back to the group of monsters.

"No one's here."

"Awww!! I wanted to eat some more humans!" complained Harley.

"Well, what do you guys usually do when you get bored?" asked Tavan.

Icky laughed heartily. "We dis Ralph and his bad breath!"

Ralph grumbled and sighed exasperatedly while rolling his eyes.

"…Anything else besides talking about Wolf-Boy's halitosis?"

"We're monsters! We try to get more powerful each and everyday! And um…since this mutation has given us some…foul side-effects…" started Boris.

"You tend to learn more grotesque maneuvers to destroy the world, just to make it funnier." concluded Tavan.

"Exactly!"

"…I'm assuming you have no problem learning new gaseous techniques?"

* * *

Tavan was instructing the monsters a whole new arsenal of rancid and malodorous monster bashing techniques that all involved their sense of smell. Actually, many of these moves are based inside of their stomachs and colon.

"How come I'm not the one showing all of you guys the new farting moves?!" complained Harley.

"Because you don't have a PhD in scatology or a scholarship in the study of anal expulsions." said Tavan.

"…Scholarship in anal expulsions?" whispered Icky.

"HEY! I heard that!"

"Well come on Scat Professor! Show us some moves!" demanded Ralph.

"Very well then. Go rip off the top of that egg factory and gulp down a whole handful of eggs." instructed Tavan.

Ralph walked over to an old, beat up egg factory and ripped off the roof so he could look down into the building, which was filled with left over eggs. Ralph stuffed a whole bundle into his mouth and swallowed hard after chewing on them for a few seconds. Then he patted his stomach to see if anything was going to happen.

"I don't get it. Nothing's happening."

"You'll see…" smiled Tavan.

After Ralph waited for a little while longer, a squeaky and extremely audible fart seeped between his butt cheeks and into the atmosphere, grossing out some of the other monsters.

"Gross Ralph! That smells like burnt eggs!" groaned Icky.

"That move's called Eggbeater. It's a really beefy, nasty fart that smells like scrambled eggs in the morning…only the compounds within his bowels have mixed with the pleasant smell and turned it rotten." said Tavan.

"So if I didn't have any bowels, then that would've smelled like delicious scrambled eggs???" questioned Ralph.

"Basically. This move actually comes in handy if you think about it hard enough."

"Okay. What else do you want to show us?" asked Harley.

Tavan laughed mischievously to himself. "This one is designed specifically for you Harley. I need you to hold out your tongue and yank it really hard alright?"

The stout yellow warthog stuck out his tongue and pulled on it like it was a piece of taffy with his left hand, waiting for something to happen once again. That's when a loud sputtering gas was expelled from his anus right next to Ralph. The sound was so disgustingly loud that Ralph started to whine and he got on all fours and lay on the ground with his ears curled back. It was like someone just whipped him constantly and struck fear into his soul.

"What the hell did you just do to me Harley?!" asked Ralph, cautiously.

"Cool! What is this move called?" asked Harley.

"Bow Down. This fart particularly has no odor to it whatsoever, but the sound of it is so horrid that it makes whoever is in its pathway whine and lay on the ground like a dog scared of its master."

"How long does the effect last?"

"Less than a minute, but this is handy when 50 SWAT officers surround you from behind; you don't even have to turn around to fart on them all."

"This is pretty handy and all, but is there something we can use that doesn't come from the back end perhaps?" asked Icky.

"If that's the way you want to play it…"

Tavan jumped in front of the large echidna and belched in his face, expelling a foul and sour gas that started to make him run around in circles until he tripped over a blunt pipe and fell on the ground."

"Oh that is so awesome! You can burp in someone's face and make 'em run around like an idiot?" asked Boris.

"Yep. I call it Burp-fusion, like the word confusion. That's pretty much all it does and it reacts with the compounds in metal so this works with tanks and bombers too."

"Do we need to do any fancy move or do we just belch in someone's face?"

"After you learn the proper techniques later on, you can just do this as many times as you want to."

Ralph chuckled to himself and placed his hand under his armpits.

"Hey Tavan! You know this one?"

Everyone glanced at Ralph and witnessed as he continuously started farting with his armpits over and over again while laughing hysterically. But like the last time he did this, the last armpit fart sounded loud and wet and Ralph had to lift up his leg to finish it off. It was around this time where the other monsters started to smell a rotten case of hydrogen sulfide emitting from his rectum.

"Well that's a pretty covert farting technique. Pretend you're making rude noises with your arms when in reality you're breaking wind. …Although I don't see how you're gonna disguise the smell."

"Who cares in disguising the odor?! It's funny and it grosses people out! Just look at Boris and the others!"

Tavan turned around to see Harley and the others plugging their noses and wafting the rotten odor away from their perimeter. The dusty blue skunk simply laughed and turned back around to Ralph.

"Alright, just one more move to learn then we can go back to bashing up the world. It's called three, two, one, Blastoff."

"Gee, I wonder what this does…"

Tavan turned around and lifted his tail before he started grunting so hard that it looked like he was trying to break his butthole wide open. Instead, three squeaky farts came out of his butt that smelled like a bad case of eggs. But shortly afterwards, Tavan sighed as a gigantic noisome fart blasted out of his rectum. It sounded like a raspberry a dragon was making combined with a trumpet that could emit a sonic blast.

"PHEW!!! Now that was a good one wasn't it guys? …Guys?"

Tavan turned around to see that the other four monsters were unconscious and lying on the ground.

"Damn. I gotta stop eating so much eggplant."


	12. Poop Slide

**Poop Slide**

Harley, Boris, Icky, Tavan, and Ralph were all gazing upon another district within Tashkent, which looked like the communications area. There wasn't too much in the area, not including the giant Tashkent Tower and a whole arsenal of television and radio stations, plus a couple of power lines here and there. All the monsters laughed mischievously under their breath and stood on the top of a steep hill to get a better view of the place.

"Okay, after we destroy this town, I guess we can go to another big city." declared Icky.

"All right. Let's get 'em!" said Ralph, ready to charge into the city.

"NO! Wait a second Stink Breath!" said Harley, holding Ralph back.

"What?"

"We've destroyed on average eight cities, demolished a parade, destroyed an extraterrestrial HQ, broke three monsters out of jail including you, and have killed and/or devoured _at least_ 57,000 humans and have caused billions and billions of dollars in damage."

Ralph shrugged. "So what's your point?"

"We gotta be on alert here guys! Don't you think by now the army and the CIA and Interpol have been informed of the current epidemic we've started? No monster goes on a rampage without facing some type of repercussions."

"That's true. But if that city's loaded with Uzbekistan police and army patrols, what can we do?"

Ralph heard his stomach gurgle loudly and he held the blob of skin, trying to ignore his abdominal pain. Harley and Boris sighed heavily.

"Don't tell me you gotta take a shit now?" asked Boris.

Ralph laughed meekly and scratched the back of his head.

"Yeah…"

"You know, I haven't used the bathroom in a while either." stated Tavan.

"Yeah, we could use a little poop break." said Icky.

Harley and Boris huffed loudly so that their breath was visible in the wind.

"I got the perfect idea to take out half of this city in one blow, but I need you guys to help me out!"

"Well how's about you go take a covert position behind a bunch of tall buildings and move in on our signal?" asked Ralph.

"How am I gonna know what the signal is?"

Ralph chuckled evilly to himself. "Oh trust me…I think you'll know the signal."

Harley and Boris shrugged and tip-toed their way to the communications district and hid behind a fairly large building with no one inside. Meanwhile, Ralph, Icky, and Tavan took position at the peak of the hill, ready to defecate.

"So what's the plan Ralph?" asked Icky.

"Heh heh…just watch me."

Ralph turned around and started grunting loudly while squatting on the ground, waiting for the dung to come out. Eventually, he passed gas and a large ball of poop fell from between his butt cheeks. The ball was fairly large; probably the size of a bus…perfect to Ralph's liking.

"What, you're gonna kick that ball of dung like a soccer ball again?"

"Not exactly…"

Ralph tapped the ball very lightly with his foot and it rolled down the hill, gradually gaining speed. After some time, it smashed into a small TV station and exploded into a pool of excrement and concrete. Icky and Tavan smiled widely and knew what Ralph was planning on doing already. The spiky echidna and the smelly skunk turned around and squatted on the ground just like Ralph, grunting in the same fashion. Then the next thing they knew, chucks of poop were flying out of their giant butt as well. Tavan and Icky pushed their large loads of excrement down the hill next to two large communication towers that transmitted radio waves. Both of them were now covered in their feces.

"Was that the cue Ralph?" asked Tavan.

"Well…"

* * *

"God, where the hell is Ralph?! I'm ready to blow this giant fart into the town!" said Harley, pressing his butt cheeks together to prevent the fart from getting out.

"You seriously gotta fart that bad?"

"I'm a warthog! Farting and pooping is what we do best!"

Boris and Harley looked at the ground and saw the earth shake and a couple of rocks jolt into the air like they were inside a blender.

"Oh, here they come."

"YYAAAAAAHHHHHHOOOOOOO!!!" yelled Ralph, Icky, and Tavan.

Boris and Harley looked over two large buildings to see police officials firing erratically at the three large mutants, unaware of what they were doing at the time. By rolling their balls of dung down the hill, Ralph and the gang created their very own homemade water slide…made of poop. They then decided to get on their bellies and slide on the trail, not caring that the poop was splattering in all sorts of directions and getting on their faces and dousing their bodies. After rolling for a while, Tavan hopped into the air, grabbed his feet, and curled himself into a ball, smashing through a police station like a wrecking ball. Ralph continued to slide down the hill and when his trail of poop was gone, he jumped up and stomped on two tanks with his large feet, blowing them up. Icky was the most creative out of the three, like always. He started spinning like a tire or the inside of a cotton candy machine, flinging all the excrement and spikes off of his shell and impaling them into several different buildings simultaneously. Icky arrived at his destination and rolled out of position, sitting down and laughing with glee.

"Showoff." growled Ralph.

"Hey, that's why you all love me."

Their brief sense of relief was interrupted by tanks shells and immense gunfire from the cops and the National Guard. Boris and the gang put on their angry face and suddenly turned aggressive, attacking anyone and anything that was in their way. Except for Harley. He was too busy holding his corpulent stomach to do anything but walk up to the cops and groan loudly.

"Hey, check this out!" yelled Harley with a booming voice.

Harley turned around and lifted his tail, releasing three short squeaky burst of flatulence. The cops held their noses and tried to fan the smell away, but this was nowhere near the climax of Harley's destruction. After farting three times, he bent over a little, grunted, widened his butthole, and blew out a thunderous fart. It was so loud that it created a sonic boom (similar to San Francisco) and shattered every building that was behind his stinky rear. There's was no need to go into detail about the smell of the gas…but let's just say that some of the pedestrians vomited so much that they passed out. They should be lucky that no one had a match out, otherwise the whole city would've exploded from his humid fart.

"Just when you thought I was stinky…"

Harley put his head between his legs and took a huge whiff of his malodorous gassy butt expulsions, sighing contently afterwards.

"…I go out and plant this rotten egg!" he laughed.

Meanwhile, Ralph and Tavan were working as a tag-team, wrecking one building after another and slapping their partner's hand afterwards to take them out of commission temporarily. Tavan ran into the middle of the street and stood right in front of a fleet of tanks, collecting saliva in his mouth. Then he spat the giant ball of goo onto the whole crowd, laughing afterwards. He then ran back to Ralph and slapped him on his hand, sending him into the field. Ralph laughed and walked right over to the group, shortly before he lifted his left foot and let it hover right above the soldiers and police units. Appalled by the foul odor of wolf feces and smelly socks, the police force started retching and a couple of them even passed out with their eyes burning. Ralph laughed even harder than Tavan did, but his laughter soon ceased when a blue bomber came in and dropped a whole payload of bombs onto Ralph's head. Ralph roared at the flying nuisance, but it merely replied by dropping more bombs. The blue wolf tagged Tavan into the field, shouting out loud when a payload of bombs hit him on the nose. Tavan began to stomp his feet on the ground rapidly.

"I'm warning you! Stop that!"

The bomber turned around and released some more bombs on Tavan's nose. Tavan flipped himself over and did a hand-stand, aiming his tail upwards.

"YOU'RE STARTING TO PISS ME OFF!!!"

But…the bomber turned around again and dropped more bombs. However, Tavan anticipated this and squirted a large accumulation of skunk oil from the glands located in his rectum. The pilot, blinded by the oil, tried to land at a nearby base. Unfortunately, it failed and slammed into the whole thing, blowing up the base.

"So do all skunks do that to ward off their predators?"

"Pretty much, yeah."

Meanwhile, Boris and Icky were also working as a tag-team, but their technique was a lot more effective. While Boris got on all fours and charged into buildings wrecking them with his horn, Icky stood on his back chucking spikes at various buildings that Boris missed. It was simply, but more than effective to take out the town. In fact, after performing this signature move for a few minutes, the monsters realized that the whole town was demolished and everyone had either retreated or was dead. All the monsters met up with each other in the center of the wrecked town.

"Whoo! What the hell did you guys roll in?!" asked Harley.

"We were gonna make a water slide with our own urine, but we didn't have to pee at the moment so we just used our crap." said Ralph.

"That's creative and all, but you guys stink!" said Boris.

"You guys smell like Marco after he eats a tank full of chum!" added Harley.

"Oh, please! You know you wanna stink this bad!" said Ralph, shortly before sniffing his poop-infested armpit deeply.

"…Have I ever told you how disgusting you are?"

"Says the rhino who took a shit in a museum."


	13. Mouth of Cesspool

**Mouth of Cesspool**

The monsters were resting on the outskirts of Santa Maria California. After hijacking another set of commercial aircrafts in Tashkent, the gang decided that Uzbekistan had been damaged enough for now and they needed to head back to the US to poke another hole in the country. Apparently, the government and SCUM Labs were working on trying to find or build some weapon that would be able to defeat the monsters before they damaged the world beyond recognition. So far, it wasn't going too well, especially since one of the SCUM lab monsters escaped from its prison and was going on a rampage itself. Anyway, the monsters were talking among one another, ready to destroy Santa Maria.

"So who's ready to pummel this city into the dust?!" said an energetic Boris.

Boris heard loud moaning and turned to his right to see Icky green, swaying left and right like a drunken idiot. He was experiencing motion sickness once again from the plane ride.

"I'm uh…I'm not feeling too hot Boris…" moaned Icky.

"We're monsters remember?! If you have to, you go right ahead and vomit because _we _don't have to clean it up."

Icky leaned over and threw up all over the ground, unable to hold his upchuck any longer. He began to pant and wiped the remaining slime from his mouth, exhaling loudly and shaking his head. Ralph looked down at his feet and noticed they were covered in yellow and green muck again. Ralph sighed exasperatedly and stared at Icky.

"You would do that again."

"Sorry."

"I mean, there are billons of other places and things you could throw up on, but you choose my feet."

"I thought you have no problem with gross stuff?" asked Tavan.

"I don't but…damn…is it really that hard to vomit the other way Icky?"

"Stop whining Stink Breath, you're about to eat the best tri-tip this side of the country!" said Icky.

"Oh, yeah! I hear Santa Maria has the juiciest tri-tip ever!"

"Eh, whatever. I just hope they have chicken—"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, we know: Chicken legs. We all know drumsticks are your favorite food Harley." interrupted Tavan.

"What about you Tavan? All you're focused on eating is raspberries and stinkweed. Who the hell eats stinkweed?"

"How else do you think we skunks develop our noisome skunk oil? We gotta eat these certain types of herbs 'n' such in order for our anal scent glands to produce the spray. Otherwise, the liquid will go away within a couple of days. And who doesn't like the taste of raspberries?!"

"True."

"I just wanna eat something before we hit the road and head to our next target: Bakersfield."

"What's there, another SCUM factory?"

"A SCUM _lab_ full of prissy scientists and for all we know, another monster."

"Good. I can't wait to have a sixth team member to help us with our quest of destruction!" said Icky.

"Yeah. Hopefully he won't have breath as foul as the shaggy blue dog over here."

"Laugh it up Harley. Let's see who he or she thinks is more annoying when he or she smells your nasty backblasts."

Harley scoffed. "Please! My farts are poetry written in gas formation! Your breath just reminds people of how bad your feet smell."

"So? Your farts remind people that they need to throw up."

Icky and Boris snickered under their breaths, knowing that what Ralph said was completely true.

"Oh, so you think my farts make people throw up huh? Well maybe I should give you a live demonstration!"

Harley turned around and pointed his butt directly on Ralph's nose. Ralph braced for impact, shielding his eyes and plugging his nose as Harley grunted with effort to fart onto Ralph. Harley stopped grunting and took a breather, still unable to squeeze out a fart.

"Hold on."

He grunted again and widened his anal sphincter even more than before, creating an exit for his intestinal gas. Unfortunately, he still wasn't able to fart. Ralph stopped bracing for the impact of the fart and merely folded his arms, looking at Harley with a faceless expression. Harley stopped grunting again and sighed heavily.

"One more time."

Harley widened his sphincter so much Ralph swore he could see the whole lining of his innards and the acid in his stomach. Anymore and Ralph would be able to see Harley's throat through his butt crack…which would be very disturbing even for him. But sadly, Harley was all out of gas. He exhaled and collapsed to the ground, panting heavily at the fact he nearly stretched his colon beyond recognition because he believed his viscera was full of gas.

"HA!! You're all out of farts!"

"Shut up! As soon as I get a hold of some beans I'm gonna blow you away!"

"See that's the weakness with the rest of you monsters. You all rely on some sort of food or nourishment from the outside world while I on the other hand, use my bare necessities to destroy a city. If there were no more food to fuel your secret powers, I'd still be better than all over you!"

Boris and Icky chuckled. "Sure, but frankly, you need some tic-tacs!" said Icky.

"And some feet cleansers." added Boris.

"And a well deserved shower." added Tavan.

All of the monster threw their heads back and started to laugh boastfully at Ralph and his horrible hygiene. But Ralph on the other hand was offended that they weren't admiring his smelly odor.

"AND JUST WHAT EXACTLY IS WRONG ABOUT THAT?!!?" he roared.

"Hey chill out Stink Breath—"

"Shut your goddamn mouth Icky! My breath smells like feet and despite how horrible you guys think that smell is, certain people out there are attracted to the smell of feet so no matter how bad my breath stinks, there are some monsters out there who love the smell of it! You on the other hand, your breath reeks of vomit and cockroaches! There is _nothing_ out there that can make the smell of vomit-cockroach breath go away so don't get on my ass when it comes to bad breath!"

Icky exhaled into his hand and smelled his breath, groaning with detest and plugging his nose afterwards.

"He's right Icky. You sure could use a breath mint too!"

"I don't know why you're talkin' Boris; your feet stink as much as mine do."

Boris lifted his left foot and sniffed it twice, finding nothing wrong with them at all.

"I don't smell anything. Harley do my feet—"

"Yes."

Harley didn't even bother giving Boris time to finish his question.

"Seriously?"

Boris sniffed his feet again and scratched his head, puzzled.

"You're not just saying—"

"No."

Boris sighed heavily while Tavan was chuckling to himself.

"And you!" shouted Ralph, pointing to Tavan.

"What?"

"You're a skunk Tavan! That's pretty self-explanatory right there so don't get on my ass when it comes to B.O.!"

"Ralph what's the point to this conversation?" asked Boris.

"All you monsters stink just as much as I do and you try to hide by getting on my ass—"

"Stop saying 'getting on my ass' it sounds gay." said Tavan.

"THIS IS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!!! Instead of insulting me and my bad breath and my foul feet and my B.O. and how bad my gas is, maybe you guys should be trying to stink yourselves to my level to further your advantage when we take over this universe!"

"What are you saying?"

"I'm gonna help you guys appreciate the bright side of being stinky like me! All of you already have one stinkiness quality already; Harley's farts, Boris' feet, Icky's breath, and Tavan's B.O. But after you go through my training, you'll be as stinky as me and not give a damn what anyone else says!" said Ralph, smiling.

"Can I forfeit?" asked Harley.

"Do you want me to suffocate you with my cheesy toes?"

"No."

"Then no."

* * *

Ralph guided the other monsters to a shut down nuclear power plant full of toxic waste and other disgusting tanks full of sludge and began to rip off the lids of bins full of waste, inhaling the toxic sludge with glee.

"Okay, let's start off with your breath. One of the key features to a smelly monster is bad breath. But, the only way for that monster to get foul breath is to eat or drink something that smells horrible…which is why I've guided you guys to this toxic waste dump!"

"What are those bins filled with Ralph?" asked Tavan.

"I dunno, but it can't hurt us."

"Are you sure?"

"We're already became mutants from drinking that toxic SCUM soda so I don't think this stuff will harm us Tavan."

Everyone picked up the bins of toxic waste and looked inside, studying the green goo with anticipation. Boris sniffed the concoction and plugged his nose, holding the barrel far away from himself.

"Ew, this stuff smells disgusting!"

Tavan sniffed the barrel and shrugged. "I kinda like it. Smells like burnt toast and fish to me."

"Ignore the smell people; it tastes better than you think! …Or worse, I'm not sure. Just drink up!" said Ralph.

Everyone shrugged and drank the toxic waste without hesitating. However, after drinking for a few seconds, Harley and Icky stopped for a moment and hacked loudly, almost throwing the waste back up.

"You said it would taste better than it smells!!" said Harley.

"Yeah, but I was saying that in my perspective."

Harley and Icky shut their eyes and continued drinking the waste while everyone else already finished, licking the green sludge from their lips.

"Okay, so now what?" asked Icky.

Ralph handed Icky and the others an odd cylinder that was steaming hot and had a pipe in the bottom of it dipping out brown material. From what the monsters could tell, it didn't smell any better than the toxic waste.

"Drink that."

"…What is it?"

"If I tell, you won't drink it."

Icky dunked his nose into the tank and took a good whiff of the contents, groaning and veering his head back when he got a pretty good idea what was inside.

"Ralph what the hell is this stuff? It smells like shit."

"Well maybe it is. JUST DRINK IT!!!"

Icky sighed and drank the brown sludge inside…retching and spitting some of it back up as he did so. Boris was also having a tough time keeping the stinky brown mystery goo down, as his stomach and taste buds proudly rejected it. Regardless, everyone managed to finish drinking and dropped the huge tanks. Tavan accidentally belched into Harley's face, and he plugged his nose.

"Dude, your breath stinks!"

"So does yours Harley!"

"Ralph what did you give us?"

"Septic tanks. Now you all have bad breath like me!"

"Um, yay?" said Boris.

"Exactly! See, now you have a better chance of blowing acid breath when you perform the traditional Death Breath roar. And if you're really lucky, your breath can set stuff on fire if it's hot enough so eat lots of chili and drink lots of hot sauce!"

"Or we could recruit a dragon and have him blow his breath on the town."

"Do you see a flying 50 foot dragon in the air?"

"No."

"Then shut up."

* * *

Ralph and the other monsters were overlooking Santa Maria, finally ready to break the town down and be one city closer to universal domination.

"Okay! Let's do this! But before we start…"

Ralph tossed his friends a giant block of cheese, making the monsters lift an eyebrow and examine the dairy product. Tavan sniffed the cheese and grunted questionably.

"This is cheese?"

"Yep! It's Limburger!"

"Did you step on it? Cause it smells like feet."

"Just eat the damn cheese. I know it smells horrible, but if you get past the smell, it's actually very creamy and smooth."

"Okay."

So Tavan and all the other monsters plugged their noses and stuffed the noisome but tasty cheese into their mouths, savoring the creamy flavor.

"Wow, you were actually telling the truth that time!" said Harley.

"Great. Now let's go before the army gets here and starts shooting missiles at our faces."

The second the monsters stepped into the city, they were greeted by a pack of APCs and dozens of soldiers with RPGs hoisted on their shoulders.

"Too late." said Boris.

"FIRE!!!" shouted the army commander.

Before they knew it, the monsters were being pelted with large bullets and grenades propelled from rocket launchers, all of which felt like mosquito bites to the monsters. Ralph gave a live demonstration of his Death Breath attack and opened his mouth to roar at the top of his lungs, emitting a sonic boom that blew over half the soldiers and APCs away. The remaining soldiers were bleeding from the ears with cracked teeth, lying on the ground and twitching like crazy. The volume of the roar shattered their ears and cracked some of their bones, leaving them disabled and basically a sack full of bones. Ralph laughed evilly and belched onto the remaining soldiers, expelling his foul acid breath which began to eat away at the soldiers and military vehicles. It was all clear from here on out.

"All right, let's split up. This town's pretty small but if the locals find any constructive weapons they may catch us off guard. I don't care what you guys destroy, but that tri-tip bar is mine!" growled Ralph, drooling as he gazed upon the meat bar.

Icky split off from the group and looked at a set of hotels all lined up together, full of cowering pedestrians. He laughed evilly and decided to put his halitosis to use.

"Hope you guys like the smell of my cheesy vomit-cockroach breath!!"

Icky inhaled deeply, but then he saw a garbage truck driving by and picked it up, shaking it until the driver came flying out. He sniffed the back of the truck and, slowly enjoying his path to becoming stinky, dumped all the garbage into his mouth and threw the truck into a small gun shop, watching all the gunpowder ignite when the truck exploded.

"Icky, you're not supposed to eat garbage! You'll get sick!" warned Ralph.

"WHAT?! I can drink out of a septic tank but if I drink garbage water I get sick?! What kind of bullshit is that!!?"

"Hey, I don't make the rules."

Icky's stomach grumbled and he started to turn green once again, swaying left and right like a drunken man. Then he vomited all over the buildings, spewing countless gallons of disgusting upchuck onto the buildings. But when he had finished, he was surprised to see that the vomit was eating away at the building material like acid. Within half a minute, the whole building had disintegrated to the ground.

"Awesome!! I have potentially harmful upchuck!" laughed Icky, before he leaned over and vomited once again.

Meanwhile, Boris and Tavan were looking down at a movie theater, breaking open the roof and peering inside to see some civilians still watching the movie. At least, that was until one of them saw a giant grayish-purple rhino reaching for the movie watchers.

"Dude, is that the new Transformers movie?" asked Tavan.

Like always, the humans responded by screaming hysterically and trying to run away from the 50 foot monsters, but all their attempts were useless, as Boris and Tavan grabbed all the humans and kept them in their clutches.

"What do you think we should do with them?"

"How's about we ask them whose breath smells worse: Yours or mine."

"How do we do that?"

"Easy. Just pop 'em in your mouth and swish them around with your tongue, then spit them back out."

"Okay."

All the pedestrians screamed horribly as Boris and Tavan opened their maws and threw the humans into their mouths, swirling them around their gums and hearing muffled shouts. After 20 seconds of savoring the flavor, Tavan spat out his humans into his hand, holding them up to his eye level.

"So tell me humans, how bad did it stink in there?"

"IT'S HORRIBLE!!"

"Don't put me back in there!"

"You need a breath mint!!"

"You ate my watch!"

Tavan laughed and threw his head back and looked at the drool infested humans then glanced over to Boris.

"Okay, now spit out your humans."

Boris spat out his humans…or rather, he spat out a giant pile of blood and flesh into his hands. Tavan sighed and shook his head, not knowing what to say to his stout rhino friend.

"Oh snap, we weren't supposed to chew 'em was we?"

"Well, since your humans are already dead, let's just say I'm the winner."

"What does the winner receive?"

"He gets to eat the humans!" said Tavan, throwing his bundle of humans back into his mouth and swallowing them hard.

Elsewhere, Harley was standing next to a gigantic bean factory, longing to eat a hefty sum of beans to fuel his farts once more and destroy another town with them. He punched his hand into the factory, but screamed loudly and held his hand in pain.

"What the hell?!"

Harley kicked the building and, like his fist, he hurt that as well and wound up hopping on one foot, holding his other with his hands and groaning.

"Damn, what is this factory made out of? Diamonds?" questioned Harley.

Harley thought about abandoning his mission of wrecking the factory, but he longed for his consumption of beans and wanted to go on another farting spree.

"Hmm…"

With no other option, Harley exhaled his breath onto the building, waiting until the metal began to dissolve and a colossal stream of beans fell onto his feet. Harley giggled contently and continued exhaling and burping onto the factory until the whole thing was destroyed and beans were everywhere. Harley jumped into the pile of beans and started laughing wildly and rolling around, excited that he'd be able to fart once more.

"I'm gonna enjoy this…"

* * *

About 10 minutes of burping, puking, exhaling and eating, the monsters gathered around the now demolished city of Santa Maria. While Icky, Tavan, and Boris were resting on the ground rubbing their filled bellies, Ralph was ravenously tearing apart several pieces of tri-tip meat.

"You know, I gotta admit, having bad breath and puke power is amazing!" said Icky.

"Yeah, and if it wasn't for you, I never would've been able to demolish that metal factory full of beans! And since I've eaten 90 pounds of it…"

Harley turned around, grabbed Ralph by his maw, opened up his jaw and placed his opened mouth right next to his posterior. He then blew a massive bean-reeking fart that lasted over 10 seconds into Ralph's mouth as payback for not being able to do it earlier. Harley fell to the ground laughing while Ralph was having trouble breathing.

"How's that taste Stink Breath?!"

But Ralph was still having trouble breathing. He was grabbing his neck with his hand and slowly turning purple.

"Harley I think he's choking on your fart bubble." said Boris.

"So go save him."

"I don't know the Heimlich maneuver."

"Ditto." said Tavan.

"What does Heimlich mean?" asked Icky.

"I'm the only one here who knows the Heimlich maneuver???" asked Harley.

"Yeah, so go save Ralph before he chokes to death!"

"After I eat his tri-tip."


	14. Bladder of Cesspool

**Bladder of Cesspool**

Ralph and the gang were traveling on the outskirts of the decimated city of Santa Maria, headed towards Bakersfield to go wreck yet another town. All of the monsters were proud of their newfound ability to destroy a town with a bad case of halitosis. They decided to never take Ralph for granted again…or at least, not make fun of his bad breath, anyways. The monsters all stopped when they were overlooking the city of Bakersfield just in time for Ralph to teach the gang another lesson.

"So what we learning to day Stink Breath?" asked Icky.

"How's 'bout we do another fart contest?" suggested Tavan.

The fetid skunk raised his smelly tail and began to pass squeaky flatulence from his buttocks, stinking up the area and causing a few cacti to turn brown and fall down, dead from the toxic fumes. Harley and Boris laughed while Ralph and Icky sighed and wafted the gas away.

"Believe it or not, but I think _you_ can be the one who teaches that trick Tavan."

"Awesome!!"

"Does that mean we're gonna stink ourselves up and enhance our B.O.?" asked Icky.

"No, no. Actually, there's another lesson none of you do as much as I."

"What's that?"

"Marking territory and urinating!"

All the monsters sighed. "We're gonna use destructive pee to destroy Bakersfield?"

"Absolutely not. We're gonna get into a large pissing contest!"

"Why?" asked Tavan.

"First off, so I can show you guys one of the best techniques in destroying a city with urine. And second, because I have to pee real badly and want to play a game we all have an equal chance at winning."

"That's not true! I won't always win the farting contest!"

"You got done eating 90 pounds of beans about five hours ago Harley. Of course you're gonna win."

"Well, after you showed us what halitosis can do, I'm up for anything at this point. So tell us Stink Breath, what's so special about urinating?" asked Icky.

"Easy! It drowns and destroys everything in its path and if it's really thick, it can actually crush buildings like a flood! Observe."

Ralph aimed his nether regions at an abandoned restaurant in the middle of the street and released his bladder, sighing heavily with a goofy grin on his face. Suddenly, a large stream of dark, yellow liquid came shooting out of his bladder and hit the ground. If a human being was on the ground, he or she would be screaming and trying to swim through the stinky musky flood. Imagine that scene from _The Day After Tomorrow_ where New York City floods, except it's yellow water, it smells terrible, and it's disturbing that you know it's coming from a giant wolf's penis. Anyway, as soon as the fluids hit the restaurant, they made a loud splash and broke through all the windows and flooded the shop from the inside out. Ralph exhaled and urinated even more, peeing so much the whole restaurant was engulfed in pee and all the walls eventually collapsed and the whole place crumbled to the ground in a flood of murky yellow wolf urine.

"Ahhhh…that feels good."

All of the other monsters were busy groaning and holding their noses from the stale stench of the pee.

"God, is it supposed to stink that much?!"

"My piss is special. I have these glands that um…enhance my odorous urine features."

"What?"

"I ate a lot of asparagus."

"Ralph could-could you please stop…stop peeing so much…?" asked a woozy Icky.

"Hey, once you start, it's kinda hard to stop Bug Breath."

Icky's stomach churned and he gagged a little, holding his mouth shut as his face turned green. The echidna felt some more chunks flying up his esophagus and he knew that he was getting sick and was seconds away from blowing chunks.

"Icky, we've told you a thousand times: We're monsters! If you gotta vomit or have to pee or have to poop or break wind or belch out loud or any other horribly disgusting thing a normal human being wouldn't do, you go ahead and do it! The world is our toilet paper…and you ass needs wiping."

"Boris that doesn't make sense."

"You guys get what I'm saying. The world is our toilet and what we put in it doesn't matter cause we're not gonna clean it up!"

Icky held his mouth with his cheeks bulging and green slime oozing through his lips and was busy retching and trying to keep his vomit down.

"Hey Icky, you want your feet to smell like piss instead of cheese from now on?"

Icky looked down and noticed his feet were slowly getting drenched in Ralph's piss and he was standing in front of him snickering in an airy tone. His nostrils widened as he felt more and more chunks building up from the horrible scent of Ralph's piss. The echidna was so appalled by the smell of the urine and the feeling of the disgusting liquids seeping between his toes that he couldn't hold his vomit back anymore. He opened his mouth and vomited all over Ralph in a loud, gurgling tone, splattering gallons upon gallons of green and yellow muck all over the wolf's chest. Ralph immediately frowned and stopped peeing, looking down at his grimy chest and growling under his throat.

"You son of a bitch."

Icky coughed three times and wiped the vomit from his mouth.

"You know I have a weak stomach and get motion sickness!"

"I know but this is the 3rd time now you've thrown up on me."

"Get over it."

"I mean, there's a perfectly good fat warthog over there and a billboard someone's put graffiti on."

"Oh, shut up and get ready for the piss contest!" said Tavan.

Everyone stood next to each other and looked forward with their backs turned to the city.

"So how do we win this contest?" asked Boris.

"Easy. We all start peeing at the same time and whoever is the last person to stop is the winner. Also, you get bonus points if you make the highest arc."

"Cool!" shouted Boris.

"And whoever wins, gets to bash up Bakersfield by himself!"

"Double cool!" said Icky.

"Ready, set, go!"

All of the monsters huffed before sighing with massive relief and emptying their bladders, all creating five separate streams of thick, yellow urine that could easily drown a school. Ralph wasn't peeing as much as before since his tank was nearly empty, but nevertheless, he still had to whiz. Boris was busy peeing straight forward, creating no special arc of any kind or trying to make any weird formation. Tavan was urinating as much as Ralph was, but he was so relaxed that he was simultaneously dripping smelly skunk oil from his behind like a leaky water faucet. Harley was peeing in a small, thick arc and cheating his way to victory by letting off a couple of loud farts and fanning the smell in Ralph's direction.

"HEY!! No urinal farting!" shouted Ralph.

"But don't you always pass gas when you're taking a piss?"

"Yeah, but in this case, you can't gross out a contestant by blasting a bunch of urinal farts so you can eliminate the competition."

"Aw, man!"

Everyone looked over at a chuckling Icky and noticed his trail of piss was extremely high and at an arc roughly 20 feet high.

"…Wow…" said Boris.

"Icky is that even remotely possible?"

"Well it must be. You guys think if I get high enough I'll be able to make the clouds yellow?"

Everyone stopped peeing and started at Icky and his amazing urinating skills. Ralph himself was blown away, despite the fact everyone else was at a better advantage since he already loosened his bladder system.

"Okay, you can uh…you can stop now Icky. You won."

Icky stopped urinating and started to laugh raucously.

"Does this mean I get to bang up Bakersfield all by myself?!"

"Indeed it does Bug Breath."

"Alright, enough with the Bug Breath."

"Fine, I'll just call you Pukes-a-Lot."

"…On second thought, Bug Breath's not that bad."

The echidna walked over a giant hill and slowly crept over to the city, with everyone inside completely unaware that a giant monster was about to bash up the town. Icky smiled widely and laughed deviously, rubbing his hands together and drooling at the amount of food and humans he'd be able to consume. Icky ran over to a large office building in the mini financial district and charged into it like a rhino, tearing the building apart and breaking the whole thing instantly. All of the pedestrians walking in the street and in cars gasped loudly and stared at the giant purple monster with spikes on his back. Icky opened his mouth and roared, causing everyone in the area to run away screaming with fear. The echidna bent over and grabbed five businessman and women and shoved them all into his mouth, chewing on them loudly before heading over to a large tower, the Truxtun Tower. It was most commonly known as the Bank of America building and conducted in financial operations in the district…and Icky was about to bring the multimillion dollar corporation to the ground. Icky grabbed the side of the building and began to climb on top of it, occasionally punching through the windows and forcing several bankers falling to their deaths. The ones who didn't die from blunt force trauma of hitting the ground ended up in Icky's left hand. The last thing they looked at before dying was Icky's slimy tongue. After scaling the building like a mountain, Icky jumped onto the roof and looked down, ready to destroy the building. He created two fists and slammed down onto the roof, creating two large holes in the roof. He brought his fists back up and slammed down on it again and again like a chimp gone crazy. Soon enough, the support beams snapped in half and the top floor crumbled down to the floor below it. He resumed this procedure over and over again until the building collapsed into itself and fell to the ground, buried under tons of dirt and metal and cement. Icky looked at all of the finance buildings dealing with oil industries and smiled widely.

"I guess you guys are gonna have to find another way to deal with your gas prices!"

Icky opened his mouth wide and performed the infamous Death Breath roaring maneuver, emitting a high-pitched roar that was so loud it expelled a sonic boom that shattered the structures of the buildings in an instant. All the people on the ground were either blown away or had many of their bones crushed by the sonic boom. All of them were killed instantly or paralyzed beyond recognition. The buildings that were still standing were slowly disintegrating due to the after-effects of Icky's bad acidic breath. Only a few minutes had gone by the financial district was done for. The echidna stomped his way through a field of trees and arrived at downtown Bakersfield. Another field of humans saw the giant monster and reacted naturally. Icky simply shrugged and continued his rampage, stomping his foot into a small convenience shop and grabbing a fire truck with his hands. He opened his mouth and tilted his head high, shaking the truck over his open mouth and swallowing all the firemen who fell off. He then chucked the truck into the air, which wound up slamming into the side of the main U.S. Post Office, exploding on impact. Icky ran over to a small tourist trap—a museum—and ripped open the roof. Like all tourist traps, nothing was inside but a pack of humans who were busy observing art and oblivious to the city destruction. Icky stuffed his hands inside and grabbed handful after handful of humans, scarfing them all down and chewing them nosily, sighing with glee and rubbing his stomach.

"I love Bakersfieldians! …Or is it Bakersfielders…?" wondered Icky.

* * *

"How you think he's doing?" asked Harley.

"Ah, I'm pretty sure Bug Breath's handling himself well. I see he's taken my advice into consideration."

The monsters looked beyond the hill and saw Icky peeing all over Hotel Padre, drowning all the occupants and slowly but surely destroying the building like destroying a piece of paper with water.

"I hope what's left of that city gets washed!" laughed Boris.

* * *

Back in Bakersfield, Icky was sighing heavily with a goofy smile on his face as he urinated on Hotel Padre, the most popular hotel in the city. Right now, it was flooding with yellow piss and occupants who were busy rushing out of the hotel before they were washed away through the hotel windows and sent plummeting to their deaths. The echidna felt something sharp hit him in the back and turned around to see a large tank blasting missiles at him. Apparently, someone decided to call in the nation guard and they responded immediately, sending in one of their prototype tanks. Icky snorted and continued peeing until his bladder was empty and the hotel was drenched with pee. Icky merely kicked a hole into the building and it came crumbling to the ground due to its weak, watered-down supports. The echidna turned around and jumped on top of the tank, clawing at the driver's seat and trying to take it over. The tank driver was disoriented and blinded by the giant monster and was driving uncontrollably, firing missiles at random. One of the missiles hit someone's house and exploded on impact. Another hit a Publix store and set the place on fire. The tank went into reverse and ran right over someone's taxi, killing the driver inside. The tank fired two more missiles; one hit a large tower and destroyed a floor and the other incinerated an antique shop. Icky slammed into the tank with the heel of his hand and damaged it greatly. He then slammed onto the tank once more and crushed the driver's seat…and the driver. The echidna got off the tank and picked up the vehicle, twirling his arm around and throwing the tank like it were a fastball. The tank soared into the air and blew up as it collided with the First Baptist Church building. Icky fell to the ground and began to howl with laughter, slamming his fist on the ground repeatedly and nearly crying with joy.

"THIS IS JUST TOO MUCH FUN!!!"

As the echidna was laughing, he looked forward and noticed a tank had its cannon pointed at his eye.

"Oh shit."

Icky stood up and walked backwards, pinning himself to a wall as a horde of tanks and soldiers approached him with guns aimed straight for his head. Of course, Icky could simply find a way to defend himself, but he was certain any action he took would force the army to injure him greatly. Just as a tank was about to blast him, it began to hover in the air with a disembodied glow hovering around it. Icky cocked his head sideways and looked at the tank.

"Am I doing that?"

"That would be me monster." said a random pedestrian.

Icky looked on the top of an apartment building and saw a teenager in a hooded sweatshirt moving his arms in a complex way with a blue aura around them. After lifting the tank into the air with his odd, telekinetic powers, he shouted and threw the tank into a building, crushing it. Icky thought about eating this spiritual being, but after witnessing that, he began to think otherwise.

"Hmm…"

The mysterious being used his telekinesis once again to lift five soldiers into the air, bashing their bodies into the walls of various buildings and killing them due to blunt trauma.

"You hungry Mr. Monster guy?"

"I am a little famished, yes."

The teenager laughed deviously and lifted up eight soldiers at once, grunting and straining to lift them up into the air with his powerful ability. The soldiers tried to fire at the young man, but he rendered their guns inoperable. He slowly made the men hover right next to Icky's maw and laughed deviously.

"Open wide!"

Icky opened his mouth and the teenager threw all of the soldiers into his mouth. Icky closed his mouth and slowly chewed on the little morsels like they were cubes of cheese, sighing with glee and savoring the bloody, tender flavor before tilting his head back and swallowing hard. The army men finally noticed the teen standing on top of the roof and began to shoot on top of the apartment building, forcing the kid to flee. He sprinted down the roof and jumped over to the nearest building he could find, sliding his way down the bricks as a horde of bullets traveled his way. The teen used his telepathy to snatch the rifles out of the soldiers' hands, turning them around and firing the bullets back at them all. The ones who weren't killed were the ones who took shelter behind the tanks or army trucks. However, the teenager merely smiled and grabbed both trucks with his telekinetic powers, lifting them into the air until they were homing right above the soldiers. The soldiers tried to shoot at the vehicles in an effort to destroy them in mid-air, but their attempts were futile, and they were ultimately crushed by the army vehicles. The tanks all aimed their cannons over at the small teenager, but he merely smiled and another blue aura formed around the vehicles. The teen grunted and pushed all of the vehicles back, sending them hurtling into the air and hearing a loud explosion in the distance. The teenager quickly scurried back up the apartment building and stared at the giant monster Icky.

"Wow…that was pretty…impressive."

"I already know who you are." said the teenager.

"You do?"

"Yeah! You're that SCUM lab mutant whose been going on a rampage the past few weeks!!"

Icky lowered his head so he was staring directly at the human.

"So you know I'm Icky the echidna? You know about the whole SCUM lab tests and the soda incident?"

The teenager covered his face with his arm and coughed a few times.

"Ugh, yeah. I'm-I'm well aware of that situation."

"How do you know that?!"

"Internet."

"Oh. So how come you're helping me out? Shouldn't you be running around screaming like an idiot like the rest of these humans?"

"Look, a while back…my parents were killed in a shooting when police officers raided my house due to false evidence. They wound up shooting my parents as a result and due to the corrupt politicians in this world, the cops were set free."

"Oh…so you wanna get back at society for what's happened."

"Basically. As for the freaky telekinetic powers, let's just say I was involved in a freak accident involving plutonium."

"Sounds painful."

"Nah…at least after the burning in my eyes stopped anyways. Look I know you're a monster, but could you step back a few yards?"

"Why?"

"Ask your breath." said the teenager, with his arm still over his nose.

Icky grumbled and moved back so he wasn't staring at the teenager up close anymore.

"How's about I help you in bashing up a couple of key monuments in this city? I'm sure after they crumble, you'll have struck a blow Bakersfield will NEVER forget."

"Hmm…like where?"

"City Hall for one. I'm sure a hefty, strong monster like yourself can do something a little 'creative'."

Icky chuckled and cracked his knuckles. "I know just the plan."

Icky ran over to the City Hall and found a garbage truck sitting right next to the station. Like the mistake he made in Santa Maria, he picked up the sanitation vehicle and chucked its contents into his mouth, swallowing all the slimy smelly trash water and garbage bags. Icky instantly had a gag reaction to the trash and his stomach gurgled and his face grew green yet again. The echidna didn't hold back this time and instantly vomited all over the governmental building and the surrounding area, coating the whole block is acidic stomach juices and upchuck. He continued to vomit loudly and cover the building until the roof collapsed from the weight of the vomit, breaching the main halls. Everyone inside was buried in the repulsive sludge and went running out of the building yelling gross comments about the vomit, trying to clean themselves off. Eventually, after vomiting for several minutes, the whole area was filled with puke and the walls broke, spilling puke all over the road. Icky coughed a couple more times before wiping his mouth clean and returning to the human.

"…I wasn't expecting something _that _nauseating, but it works. Now, you should go destroy the Police Headquarters!"

"Where's that?"

"Directly next to City Hall…or what's left of it."

"Well, I am feeling a bit gassy so I know what I should do here. I'm sure none of the officers are smoking at the moment so perhaps they'll be fine."

"Why would that matter?"

"You'll see."

Icky whistled casually and turned around so his butt was aimed directly at the police station and several of its windows.

"What the hell?!?" shouted an officer as he saw the giant purple buttocks in the window.

Icky grunted with two fists made and began to violently fart into the police station, expelling a powerful gas cloud composed of hydrogen-sulfide and reeking of dead humans and rotten food. The noise level was loud enough to shatter many of the windows in the building and has enough force to blow many officers through the building or propelled them against a wall, unable to move due to the strong force of the wind. They all tried to grab their guns and shoot at the abomination in front of them, but they couldn't even move their arms or hands. Besides, creating a big enough spark would start a wildfire or an explosion big enough to take out the whole building. The teenager with telekinesis was watching the fetid destruction with his sweater shielding his nose. Yet, he couldn't help but laugh his ass off at how disgustingly funny it was. The boy wasn't a big fan of toilet humor, but how can you not laugh when cops are getting farted on by a giant animal? Soon enough, after letting out a few squeaky poots, Icky grunted again and let out a massive gas bubble that was so destructive, all the supporting structures inside split in half and the building came crashing down. Icky fell to the ground as well and exhaled with relief.

"Wow. And to think, this would've been 40 times worse if Harley was down here."

Icky returned to the teenager who put down his sweater and burst up laughing.

"Oh man, that was absolutely priceless! Okay, I got one more target for you: The Valley Plaza Mall! And since you seem so eager to do some disgusting methods of destruction, I think these should come in handy."

The teenager used his telepathy to lift a giant pill into the air for Icky to gulp down. The echidna grabbed the pill with his fingers and tossed it into his mouth, quickly swallowing it instantly. He groaned loudly and stuck his tongue out, not liking the bitter taste at all.

"What the hell was that?"

"You'll see."

"Some kind of power enhancer?"

"You'll see."

Icky stood on the street and looked down at the human nonchalantly, blinking a couple of times to see if he could read his thoughts…or if his thoughts were being read by the teenager. So far nothing had happened and Icky was beginning to wonder whether or not this pill was actually going to work at all. As Icky sighed from boredom, he felt a train wreck forming in his bowels.

"What the—"

His stomach gurgled so loudly it sounded like pipes rushing through a building's water system, and felt that way too. Icky grabbed his stomach with both hands and began to run down the street, feeling a giant load of poop forming at his buttocks, ready to come out. The echidna let a little bit of gas escape from his ass and held it shut with his hands to prevent himself from pooping all over the street. Icky saw his target and grunted, walking over to it and bashing the roof in. Icky heard a whistle going off in his bowels and knew he wouldn't restrain himself any longer. The echidna plopped his behind on the torn roof and started to defecate in a loud, raucous tone. Poop was splattering all over the floor and squishing and bubbling all over the place. Someone outside was witnessing the disgusting bowel movement, her jaw hanging open. Icky screamed in pain with fists made and resumed farting and pooping into the mall. He looked down and heard hundreds if not thousands of people screaming as they were drowning in scat. The mall was filling with shit, and starting to reek more than a sewer was. Icky grunted four times, squirting out a small trail of diarrhea, before he gritted his teeth and began to fart in a loud, squeaky tone.

"Oh God, it hurts!!"

Icky shut his eyes and started to moan loudly as a long pile of poop coiled out of his ass and plopped into the mall. He grunted again and sharted so hard the force of him farting out poop propelled his body into the air a foot or two. He sat down on the hole like a porcelain and continued to expel diarrhea at a fast rate. Eventually, the echidna sighed and exhaled with relief, letting out tame poots.

"Oh man, that was rough. I think it's all gone now—"

Icky shut his eyes with his legs erect and suddenly began to poop so much that the mall was almost overflowing with scat. Poop was flowing out of windows and spilling out onto the streets, walls were becoming weak from the watery fecal matter, and it was creating an odor so horrible people who weren't even in the city could smell it…and were probably vomiting themselves. Icky grunted non-stop as he farted out more vile scat and pooped out cinnamon bun looking chunks. At one point, Icky nearly wept once he forced out a giant egg of poop that splattered inside the pile, splashing poop all over the block. Finally, after the echidna laid another five lumps, he put his legs down and sighed with his tongue hanging out. He let out a couple more airy poots, but other than that, his colon was empty. Icky began to guffaw and sighed with relief, releasing a few more farts.

"Hmm…do I dare look inside?"

Icky got off the mall and slowly turned around, looking inside the mall and immediately turning around and groaning with his eyes shut.

"Yeah, that's a stinker! There's no way in hell anyone can clean that up!"

The mall suddenly collapsed from the weight and all the poop began to spill all over the street, flooding over four blocks with scat.

"Um, I think this city's done for."

Icky ran back to the apartment building, only to find that the teenager wasn't there.

"Hey…where'd you go…?" Icky wondered.

Icky looked at the roof and noticed the kid scratched a note into the material.

"Next SCUM lab location: Great Falls, Montana. There was never a SCUM lab in this city; you were led to a decoy. Hope to see you again. Your new partner, Darius." said Icky, reading the note out loud.

* * *

"WHOO!! What did you do to that poor, poor city Icky?! I can smell the mess you made all the way back here!" said Ralph, with his nose plugged.

"Is it a bad thing it you shit so hard your ass hurt?"

"Yeah, I think you crapped out your tailbone."

"Great. Anyways, I ran into some kid in the city and he said the next SCUM lab location is in Great Falls, Montana."

"Montana? What the hell is a SCUM lab doing in Montana?!" asked Boris.

"I dunno, but we gotta go bash it up! If a SCUM lab is there, chances are, another captive monster is too."

"You're right Icky. Next stop: Montana!"


	15. Gassy Tactics part 3

**Gassy Tactics (part 3)**

As Darius watched the disgusting ruins of Bakersfield from a nearby hill, he couldn't help but let out a derisive laugh, knowing justice was beginning to be served for his parents unjust deaths.

"Pathetic wretched cops" he murmured as he looked on at the crap-piss-and-barf covered remains of the city.

"I will love watching Icky and his friends drown you and all your cohorts in the filth that you truly are.....you took away my parents...now it's time to pay the piper."

Letting out a cold laugh, Darius West rested his hands in his black hoody, flipping his head forward to allow his hood to cover his head again as he walked away, heading to Great Falls to meet up with his new monster friends.

* * *

As the 5 planes touched down at Great Falls International Airport, the gigantic rhino, warthog, wolf, echidna, and skunk got off their hijacked rides and looked around the quaint town.

"Hee hee", Boris laughed. "I can't wait to see who those SCUM buttholes got in this town."

"Another rescue, another partner in crime and grime!" Ralph grinned, rubbing his paws eagerly.

"I can't believe that you did something right for once, Icky!"

"Oooooggghhh..."

Hearing Icky moan, Ralph turned and saw the giant echidna about to lose his lunch again, deep green and swaying from motion sickness. His cheeks were bulging to the size of hot air balloons, his nostrils flared to where Ralph and the other monsters could see the boogers and nose hairs inside.

"Don't you dare, Icky!!!"

"BLLLLLLLLLEEEAAAAHHHHH!!!!"

Before Ralph could get out of the way, Icky opened his maw and deposited gallons of multicolored upchuck all over Ralph, much to the laughter of Boris, Harley, and Tavan. Wave after wave of rancid stomach acid mixed with snot and giant chunks of food came out, splattering all over Ralph, adding to his already strong odor. Yet the wolf was not happy as he watched the last of the barf come out of the echidna's maw.

"ICKY, DO I LOOK LIKE YOUR OWN PERSONAL PUKEATORIUM?!?"

Icky let out a loud ugly belch before he looked at Ralph, panting.

"Sorry...my stomach HATES planes."

"I'd think you'd love getting puked on, Ralph!" Tavan quipped. "Seeing as you love smelling like road kill!"

This made Boris and Harley start laughing even harder, the rhino gasping for air as he laughed.

"Hmph.....and to think....I was gonna let you and Harley destroy Great Falls on your own...."

This made the warthog and skunk stop laughing almost instantaneously.

"Say what??" Harley asked.

"After seeing how good barfboy did at destroying Bakersfield, I was gonna let you and Tavan try out some new gas maneuvers on the city while me, Icky, and Boris go looking for that SCUM lab."

"New gas moves???" Harley whispered eagerly. "Like what?"

"No, no...if you're gonna laugh at me being turned into a toilet, I'm not gonna teach you---"

This made Harley start pleading, begging Ralph to teach him and Tavan.

"PLEASE teach us! I could always use more gassy tactics!"

"Well..."

"C'mon, Ralph..." Tavan added. "I hate seeing a grown mutant warthog beg..."

"Oh.... ok." Ralph said, relenting at seeing Harley making himself look foolish.

"You two, follow me... Icky, Boris you guys start looking around for that SCUM base."

"But how will we find you guys???"

Ralph just lowered his eyes before he answered Boris's question.

"How many other giant smelly blue wolves do you KNOW?!?"

* * *

As the 3 monsters headed up into a hilly area outside of the town, Ralph wanting to wait till he'd taught the others his moves before surprising the unsuspecting populace with their methane powers.

"Ralph, I gotta know..." Harley asked. "I understand you choosing me to teach these moves to... but why Tavan?"

Ralph sighed in frustration before he spoke again.

"He's a skunk.... I don't think I need to say anything more..."

Harley just scratched his head as Ralph spoke.

"Alright so what are these 'new' fart moves you were gonna teach us, o great master?" the skunk asked, a hint of smarminess in his voice.

"Well, I've got three really good ones I'm gonna teach ya, ones so powerful that could be considered weapons of mass destruction!"

This made Harley nearly squeal with glee and delight. "Teach! TEACH!"

"Ok, this first one is fairly simple, but still pretty effective. It's called the Shatterbox. You see that glass office building over there?"

Ralph pointed in the near distance to a tall office tower, its windows and walls nearly completely made of glass.

"Yeah, I see it." Tavan reaffirmed.

"Well watch this..."

As Harley and Tavan looked on, Ralph turned and around took in a DEEP sharp breath, forcing the air down his throat, through his belly, and towards his anus...

"You may wanna cover your ears for this..." the wolf warned.

But before either of them could do so, Ralph yowled and, lifting up his tail, released a loud EAR-PIERCING fart, one that sounded like an opera singer's high note and smelling like an opera singer's locker room. The pitch was high enough to wear Harley was sure he was going deaf. But soon a loud KERRACK filled the air and, as Tavan and Harley looked on in amazement, the glass walls of the office tower cracked and shattered almost instantaneously, showering the ground with shards of sharp glass and most likely cutting up one or two pedestrians. When their ears stopped ringing, the skunk and warthog clapped eagerly for the wolf's work.

"Bravo! Bravo!" Harley cheered.

"Alright that was a good start, but what next?" Tavan murmured.

"This next one is one I'm pretty damn proud of...you see that construction site in the distance?"

Pointing behind his shoulder, Tavan could see a half-finished building site standing with all its metal pipes and girders shining in the sun

"Yeah?" Harley said, growing more excited.

Ralph walked over closer to the girders and turned around, lifting his tail, exposing his anus, and started pushing and straining for a few moments before let out a small squeaker fart... followed by a SONIC BOOM of an expulsion, the sound magnified off the girders and Tavan could swear he saw the SUN crack a little. Harley leaned in and took a big sniff, moaning happily at the smell of burnt rubber and durian

"Ooohhhhh that's one good fart!"

"Yeah, that one's called the Metalocalypse. It's most effecting when you're right next to the metal, then not does the sound increase, but there's the possibility of the acid from your fart melting the metal!"

"DAMN!" Harley said, practically starry-eyed. Even Tavan had to admit now that he was impressed.

"Alright, alright." the skunk admitted, "I'll concede I AM impressed. But what's the third move ya wanna teach us?"

"Ahhhh" Ralph sighed gleefully, "It's one of my favorite moves. I call it the Sonic Boom!"

"The Sonic Boom?" Harley asked, scratching his head, "Why do you call it that?"

Ralph looked around and saw a small dog approaching them, sniffing the ground cautiously.

"Ya see that dog?"

"Yeah..." Tavan replied.

Turning around and pointing his butthole towards the approaching dog, Ralph started grunting and straining, sweat pouring down his face and his paws clenched into fists until finally....he let out a LOUD fart, the sound similar to a bomb exploding, and Tavan and Harley watched in laughter as the dog was blown away by the boom of the fart, yowling as he was blown across the sky.

"That....was....AWESOME!!!" Harley eeped out, clapping his hands happily.

"I hate to admit it," Tavan conceded, "But you've got some good moves there, Ralph. It's nice to see you can back up the tough talk with actions."

Ralph grinned before he spoke again.

"So what do ya guys say? Ya ready to join Boris and barfboy and lay waste to this town as we rescue another of our friends?"

"YOU KNOW WE ARE!" the skunk and warthog said happily before running towards the city, Ralph tagging after them.

* * *

As he reached the city, Darius could see the dog flying across the sky and immediately he knew that it was part of the work of Icky's pals.

"Maybe that dog could help be of some use...."

Raising his arms and producing his blue glow, a gift from the accident that had embed him with such psychic powers, he took a hold of the dog and changed its direction towards a location in the center of the city.....

"Hee hee.....Icky....I'm gonna help you and your friends lay waste to all of these scumbags....."

With that, he merely sat down on the hill near the city limits and waited to watch the havoc begin. After all he'd been through, every town destroyed was another strike back at those politicians who praised the cops for murdering his parents and forcing him to become what he was...

"They say the meek will inherit the earth...well even the meek can use help from a few mutants, ha ha ha..."

* * *

Deep in the center of Great Falls....in a cell guarded by numerous SCUM armed employees and big steel bars, rested a huge green dinosaur-like mutant, although it could be more accurately described as a mix between a dinosaur and a lizard. Its scales were an aquatic shade of green, yellow and orange spikes running down the back and on the top of the tail. The creatures arms were muscular and strong enough to rip sumo wrestlers in half like they were pizza boxes.... yet it knew trying to rip off the steel bars was futile, only rewarding it with a very sharp shock and, on a couple occasions, a few shots from nearby employees.....

The creature's name was Lizzie....and she'd lost track of how long she'd been in the dark cell. She couldn't even remember HOW she'd transformed or how she'd been captured, her memories nearly wiped out from all the tranquilizers used by the SCUM scientists to sedate her.

But Lizzie's weakened thoughts were broken by a sharp crack and a dog's carcass crashing through the cell roof. Leaning closer to the dog, she sniffed it and detected the odor of toilet water and runny cheese....and she instantly recognized it....

"Ralph....he's nearby..." she whispered before sitting back in her cell, a creepy smile beaming across her face.


End file.
